Stop Saying Nothing but a Brother!
Sistas this is why we must stop saying 'only a brother'
Read the following post written by a WM in regards to a BW seeking an IR, and wondering why WM only smiled/looked interested yet did not approach her.
I'm a white guy who has dated every color under the sun, including several black women, so here's my take on this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Drover
You know, this is the 21st century. You might try walking up and saying hi to them instead of waiting for them to approach you. There's still a pretty broad perception out there that most black women are only into black men. It may be that they don't know if you're "approachable" or not.I agree with this. I think the bottom line is that men of all colors fear rejection. Black women are the least likely of any group in this country to date outside of their race. This is something that has been proven through various studies. If you cruise through a personals site, you will see black women more often than any other race cite that they are looking for black men. I remember watching an episode of Oprah several years ago where there were several single black women sitting around talking about dating interracially where half said they would, half wouldn't and then of the half that would, a few said something along the lines of "but when I marry, I want a strong black man" as the other women nodded along. You don't really see or hear that with Latinas, Asians and white women (although some may think it admittedly). As such, many non-black men feel that they will get shot down if approaching a black women so they don't even bother to try. It's not something that is exclusive to race. It's similar to how many men would not bother approaching or asking out an Angelina Jolie clone if they were to see her in a bar, regardless of whether or not after a conversation they got along well with her, simply because they would view her as out of their league and a near certain rejection that they'd rather not hear. I remember one instance where I was in a bar and talking to a black woman, and when I more or less asked her out, she looked at me like I was crazy and then didn't even say anything but just started cackling. When she composed herself enough, she managed to say "you're a little too pale for me if you know what I'm saying." This woman was not representative of the black race and should be judged on an individual basis. She was just a beeyotch plain and simple, regardless of her race. I could have been rejected in the same manner by a Latina, Asian or a white woman, but in terms of statistics, more black women refuse to date outside of their race than those other groups, so this sort of reaction is the sort of thing that I think a lot of white men fear and makes them second-guess themselves when it comes to approaching black women. I think white men will approach an Asian or Latina woman without a second thought of "does she date white guys?", whereas the same doesn't hold true a lot of times for black women. I'm not sure if I explained that correctly but it makes sense in my head. As ridiculous and unfair as it may be, much like women who are incredibly attractive and find themselves never getting approached out of fear of rejection, I think black women may have to be a bit more aggressive and/or flirty to let the guy know that she is interested. Things are changing in our society and there's an increasing number of black women opening their horizons and as that becomes more and more commonplace, you'll see less reticence on the part of white men to approach them as there will be less of a perception that they will be shot down immediately due to their race.
The views expressed by this WM are common because so many sistas have let the ridiculous words, "only a brother" come out of them, so many times, it has become an unconscious mantra. Think about the last time you have EVER heard a BM say "ONLY A SISTA!" I'd be willing to bet you haven't, and you know what, YOU NEVER WILL!!! Why? because they are looking out for themselves! While BW are single handedly trying desparately to save a community that could not care less about them!
Black men love it when you say this(only a brother) because they know every time you say this you make white men more afraid to approach not only you, but the next sista as well! I have said a million times, Black men have a vested interest in keeping you in the box! Sistas you must get free not just for yourselves, but as Evia often says, FOR YOUR BABIES! You must choose the best man you can get because down the road his bling, bling, swagger, and *alleged* big d*ck don't mean a damn thing!
You must ask yourself:
Do I want a booty call or a relationship?
Do I want to be taken to dinner and courted, or treated like a 5.00 hoe, who does not deserve a meal.
Do I want to be loved, respected, and treated like an equal partner? or like an equal fool catering to a damaged, selfish, colorstruck predator?
Do I want a good father for my babies or just a baby-daddy, who'll indiscriminately pass his seed on and leave it unloved, unprotected, and unprovided for!
And lastly ladies ask yourself: do you want a husband, whom you can look at and say "this is my husband _________ " or do you want to hang your head and have to tell people "this is my...uh.. friend ______". Knowing he's the 'friend of the girl around the way, the girl at the supermarket, the neighbor .....
Always look out for YOUR BEST INTERESTS! nobody will be there to help you pick up the peices when that loser walks out on you and your babies.
In fact it is at this point that the BC will snicker and laugh behind your back, and make remarks such as; "her dumb ass should'a left him alone". or "she's so stupid!- everybody knew he had 3 other baby-mammas!"
Never give a DBRBM your time, your energy, and especially not your body!
Keep damaged men (regardless of color) out of your life!!!
Evia is right. this is one of the most important decisions of your life -choose carefully!
Stop saying 'nothing but a brother'! say instead
'NOTHING BUT A GOOD MAN!!!'
posted by Taylor-Sara @ 9:52 PM
26 Comments
26 Comments:
hear,hear...i had a conversation with a friend (who's black)asking who she was dating...she wouldn't give me a name..so we played the typical "giggly-girlfriend guessing game"....one of my questions was "well gimme a hint...is he X or Y??"...she gave me a sideways look..went into a rant about how she doesn't "do that" (meaning white men)...i'm like..."ok...so what if it is? who cares???"....the black community/cult has sure brainwashed her....i want black women to put themselves FIRST..and make smarter choices...and ignore the peanut gallery....
http://thecwexperience.wordpress.com
I think there can be some rather scary arguments underlying the "nothing but a brother" song that many black women sing. You are right, the song should be "nothing but a good man."
But unfortunately, far too many black women have this naive view that a "brother" is by nature of being a "brother," a good man. They love the "brothers" unconditionally. Perhaps that means, loving without judgment?
His bad behavior? Perhaps it is something caused by external forces like racism. Moreover, he can be healed with love and prayer.
So some form attachments with men they should be running away from, with the goal of "helping uplift" the brother, in the way many black women are taught they must do.
As you said, the damaged men love the "nothing but a brother" mantra. It means they will always have sisters to rely upon for whatever they want, and they know they can do whatever they want, but they will rarely be held responsible and accountable for anything they do.
Instead, they will be pandered to, and deferred to. Their egos will be stroked as they will be celebrated for being "black kings."
Their very existence makes them "regal," and this status of "regality" is not grounded in anything they have to earn through proving themselves to be "good men."
I'm just shaking my head here.
When as a black woman you are younger and have hope of having a black family, I think it is normal to visualize and vocalize what you want. For the majority of black women, this is a black man. It is not until the likelihood of finding a black man is truly gone do we start to talk about the possibility of marrying a white man. Dating is a different story but when you are ready for marriage you date based on who you would like to marry.
I think this is completely normal if you truly want a black family as your ideal. I personally love being black and would therefore want a black family as my ideal. And I am someone who has dating many different races of men. But at the end of the day, I just thought it would be what I fell into, what fit best, what was the easiest to find. I never bought into "a good black man" is hard to find. Never.
I think we have to speak to the younger generation of bw coming up and explain that they will HAVE TO look at white men for serious relationships that lead to marriage. If they start to hear this at an early age (12+) and it is encouraged they will find love and marry. If not, they will blindly follow the same path that many older black women have followed and remain unmarried.
I would like to know how many black women have a preference for white men. I have worked around 100s of white men in Corporate America and I must say that I don't think I have a preference for white men, in general. If I did, I would have noticed a white man or two during my 10+ years in the professional world. In all of that time, I can honestly say that there have only been about 2 or 3 men who have turned my head. And they were all darker...Italian, Jewish, Armenian mixed,etc.
I comment on this to say, I don't know how many bw can change there preference. Especially late in life. This has to done in formative years.
And, I wish instead of constantly addressing black woman's brainwashing someone would address the legions of white men on personal sites who check off that they are open to dating EVERYONE BUT a black woman. I know that for myself, when I opened up to possibility of actually marrying a white man and starting looking with broadened options in mind, one of the first places I went was online. When I saw that 90% of the men that I would be interested in had checked every race BUT a black woman, I started to back away from the concept. It reinforced everything that I had been told in the bc about what white men where really like at the end of the day. It also opened my eyes to how white men are still upholding racism. Please address this!!!
First of all Anon. I really prefer for people to use some kind of moniker when asking me a question. Now you seemed to have asked many questions so I will try to hit on the most salient ones. First,hon all black women are not thinking as you do/did, as in only attracted to BM- I am convinced this is just BC conditioning. I know I for one have always been attracted to WM. Yet I certainly remember friends looking at me like I had a second head, and saying "But he's white!"
of course I learned, like many other BW that, that was not acceptable in the BC and felt compelled to repress my attraction and date only BM. My point is the attraction was repressed! As many BW are doing to themselves today. Many BW would feel/would feel great attraction to WM if they gave themselves permission!
My second point is if you felt that you were automatically going to be rejected by someone because of your color -would you put them down as a choice on a dating site? Especially in light of the fact that many BW are very nasty about it. (I don't want no nasty-ass white boy etc) can you blame someone for trying to head off that rejection. Evia, Halima and I think even C1 have already covered that one completely, so I will leave it to you to read on those old posts. But basically WM have stated time and again, how they did not want to hear how she was (only) lookin for a brother once again....
I have a huge problem with your list contrasting booty call (BM) with a relationship (WM) and other harsh stereotypes "defining" relationships with BM and WM. Let's not be so foolish to conclude that "the nothing but a BM" mentality equates to forming relationships with only low quality BM. That is a myth b/c there are many quality BM out there on the arm of "nothing but a BM" mentality having BW.
The other problem I see in the mindsets proposed in the list is that it places WM on a pedestal of which they are undeserving. Simply, no race of people should be placed on a pedestal b/c there are low and high quality individuals from every background.
My fear is that many blogs encouraging BW to be open simultaneously position BM as bad news. The result is that you move BW from one extreme (nothing but a BM) to another extreme (anything but a BM). Both are damaging and open the door to BW neglecting to identify quality men regardless of color. Let's advocate quality men across the board rather than just non-black men. It is possible to strive to open BW's eyes to the quality non-BM that may be interested in them without simultaneously degrading BM.
Let's be more careful and honest in the generalizations made about the quality of IR versus BW-BM relationships.
Tell me exactly where Nicole did I state that BM = damaged? If you will look at the end of the post I clearly stated do not get involved with damaged men of any COLOR!
And Neither I nor any of the bloggers I know are trying to move BW from one extreme to the other. We are merely trying to get BW to open their option, so that they may choose the best man. I never implied only a thug can be black! He can certainly come in any color-that is why when your options are open you can choose from the whole village and not have to worry about settling because of the low numbers available! I merely want BW to give themselves the CHOICE!-AND TO CHOOSE THE BEST MAN REGARDLESS OF COLOR!
In my dating experience, the black men always seemed more casual. They already perceived a familial bond which meant that they didn't have to try with me. For some women, that's fine with them.
But, when I dated white men (especially my husband) I was really swept away with how he courted me (little love notes and emails, homemade greeting cards using our pictures, little surprises here and there...real romance--7 years and counting. NOT ALL WHITE MEN ARE LIKE THIS.
BUT, I am in my dream marriage because I didn't look at him and say, "you're alittle too pale for me." I looked for a man worthy of me and he saw a woman worthy of him. So, I say black women have to raise their standards and find a GOOD MAN worthy of them; not a man they have to work on or win away from a harem of women. And not a man that will accuse them of not "keeping it real" because they have high standards.
Amen Shirl:
Thank goodness you were smart enough to look at the character and not the color and look what you ended up with. -many happy returns
congrats shirl....i hope black women all over the world will start finding the love that you have (myself included..hee hee)
http://thecwexperience.wordpress.com/
My sister and I went to Las Vegas last month, and saw a gang of BM with WW. If we did see a black couple they were older [like 40's 50's] but the ones our age [20's] were mostly with WW.
Its funny cuz while BM are out in Vegas [and other popular vacation spots] livin' it up with Becky, BW are sitting back waiting for BM to "come home", and from the looks of it BW will be waiting a mighty long time LOL
Im glad my sister and I snapped out of that "no man but a black man" way of thinking, bacause like sara-taylor said when is the last time you heard BM say, "nothing but a sista"?
Anon: "I would like to know how many black women have a preference for white men."
I am one of those black women who has a preference for white men. I always have. I was constantly penalized because I stood by my preference even when blacks put pressure on me. I'm not the kind of person who will allow nor has allowed others to dictate my life choices. I am a leader, not a follower. This trait has gotten me into a lot of trouble on more than one occasion with the "partyliners". I have never given the so called black community any say so in my life, especially when most of their lives were and are total messes. My first little boyfriend (age 6) was a white boy. My first kiss was a white guy, my first love was white, the guy I gave my virginity?...again, white. I've never been attracted to black men and I cannot fake that. To this day, there are no black friends in my life because of my choices. If they want to judge and snub me because of MY choices, that is their prerogative but, they are the ones who are missing out on potential for a true friendship. I'm not missing out on anything. I consider women like Sara and Evia my kindred spirits because they speak truth to power and don't care about offending and stepping on toes. Most of all, Sara and Evia are unapologetic about their celebration and care for black womanhood. I do not feel that black women who date black men care for black womanhood, for the most part. Black women who date the 98% of black men who are damaged (the ones who date bw, that is) are really bad for the image of black females because they are mammy's and apologists. Anon, you sound dangerously close to being a mammy/mule and the old "woe is me white men don't want us" argument doesn't wash. I've never had any problem getting white men and neither have thousands of other bw. You are one of those chicks who thinks of white men as "plan b" and NO.MAN. wants to be thought of as "plan b". Good luck in your search but, I don't feel optimistic for you because you have a defeatist attitude.
*damn, I really need to subscribe to Evia's blog*
Sara,
Sorry for the confusion. My point (which I didn't make clear) was that many can interpret the negative (DBRBM) qualities as motivating them to seek non-BM as opposed to just good men regardless of color. I think it's problematic when a BW seems only able to avoid DBR mentalities when they leave a race of men alone. I wonder have they really developed the ability to identify a good man or have they merely replaced one dysfunctional mentality with another.
Can we assume that the BW being taking through the storm by DBRBM didn't have opportunities with quality BM and, due to their own poor judgment passed on them. If so, these women in turning to non-BM still have major issues to fix within themselves or they are likely to end up with another man of poor quality.
Please know that I understand your message and appreciate it very much. I was just trying to highlight how some may miss the message and may need more rewiring in their thinking.
I don't have much experience dating interracially but I have been reading these blogs. I'd like to believe that myself and other bw who read are smart enough to know the difference between "find a good man" or "don't limit yourself to one color" and "date any man because he is white and white is better". I'm not getting any younger and I'm trying to open my heart up to the possibility of a nice asian or white or african guy because the nice bm I know already have someone. Its about keeping my options open.
Nicole: I think that part of the problem that arises when this subject is discussed by bloggers like Sara, Evia, Halima et al, is that while they ALL clearly state that not ALL bm fall into the DBR category, far, far too many do. And the preponderance of anecdotal evidence, provided by bw who comment on the various IR blogs, lends an unavoidable credence to certain "generalizations". The corollary to this is the fact that far, far too many bw have been in relationships with DBR men and have suffered the consequences and yet they continue to think that "well, maybe next time it will work out better for me". They exhibit the classic symptoms of insanity; keep doing the same things over and over and expect different results. What the IR blogging community is driving at is the fact that bw HAVE other opportunities than the ones that they have traditionaly been presented with. It is pretty obvious that many folks are very upset that even the "idea" of looking at ALL men as potential mates is being discussed, let alone the suggestion that you actually "apply", or "consider" applying for that matter, something that is so clearly against the party line.
I think that we are in the midst of a revolution in thinking about IRs and lots and lots of people are profoundly unhappy that it does not appear that they will be able to stop its advance. They realize that the old ways of thinking have just about reached their shelf-life, but they are determined to make as much noise as possible before they are swept aside by the forces of permanent change.
Interesting times these.
preach it "badblackkitty"!!!
Grant said, "interesting times are these."
I couldn't agree more and I am excited for what these changes will bring to BW, WM, and greater society.
Three things I want to breakdown here. Some points because they need to be said out loud, others to reiterate what's been already OVERstated.
1. (This is one is aimed at you Taylor-Sara, and all those who blog on the topic of IR relationships.) DON'T BE TO QUICK DISCONTENT THOSE WHO WANT TO BE "NORMAL." What I mean by this is, as Psychology fanatics and socially conscious individuals we know what were talking about/encouraging/promoting on these blogs is the deprogramming of what has been taught to us as "Normal" Anons, comment about looking to WM when BW feel that BM aren't responding to them is a normal feeling. It is as normal as feeling awkward because you feel attracted to members of an opposite race or sex.
Myself being an openly Bi-sexual black woman, I combat the programming in my mind constantly when I feel the attraction for anyone who catches my attention whom is other then what has been described/taught/programmed into my head as "NORMAL." I should want to be with/seek to be with a good (BLACK) Man--THAT'S NORMAL.
The moment of realization that you're attracted to other persons opposite from what has been prescribed as "NORMAL" will always be jarring to the human condition and consciousness.
So I say that we must start addressing the apprehensiveness caused by FEAR my dears. My attractions to the other (Non-BM & Women) SCARES ME! I come here, because this site-these blogs tell me though that there are other people out there LIKE ME--so I am not as UN-NORMAL as I think I am. But, I don't want only to hear that I'm actually normal for finding others attractive: I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO SHED MY FEAR THAT COMES FROM MY ATTRACTIONS.
The very word Encouragement means TO MAKE ONE'S HEART STRONGER, strengthen all the walls of my heart and mind--tell/teach me how to not to be afraid. That is what black woman need to hear-STOP BEING AFRAID OF LOVE--in no matter form it comes to you, Love is NORMAL.
The Second...
2.) HOW MANY TIMES DOES IT NEED TO BE SAID, "THIS IS NOT ABOUT GOOD (BLACK) MEN."
You remember when you were younger, and you would be called into a room for a group meeting-could be at home/school/church-and the person speaking would give console and warning of punishment for bad behavior.
Remember being able to say, Well they ain't talkin about me." Why was that? It was because you knew that you didn't do it, so you would listen, but knew that such matters didn't concern you. What's so hard about catching the clue that if you don;t do it, it doesn't pertain to you.
I realize this again is re-programming, because certain words have been associated with certain peoples and stereotypes. But those the instances that you need to use your mind ya'll.
BUT...
3.) JUST BECAUSE IT DOESN'T PERTAIN TO YOU-DOESN'T ME YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE TO MAKE SURE THAT IT'S NOT DONE AROUND! This is something I want to say out loud to "Good Men" if you are Good, but your own is not "Good," why do you not try to correct his behavior? Or if you don't like it phrased that why, how's this...Y do you let your brother SHAME you? (YES I SAID SHAME.)
Their behavior and actions reflect on you. Those reflections create assumptions/perceptions. Those create pre-conceived notions that become STEREOTYPES. I ask you... have you every heard questions in class/work like that from other people you would never assume were ignorant? Example: Why do black people steal? (LOL)
Though it sounds ignorant at the time, you can realize that really it's because that person has only heard/seen images of black people lotting and stealing thus far. So why not flip the script on this. WHY DO GOOD BLACK MEN ALLOW BAD BLACK ME TO SHAME THEM? (ANY RACE OF MEN AS A MAATTE A FACT.)
WOMEN, i hate to say it boys, but the numbers are on our side, ARE BETTER HUMAN BEINGS. I like at my university (PRIVATE/MA UNIVERSITY) and black girls outnumber black boys 10-1. WW are outnumbering WM now too, so WHAT ARE MEN DOING ABOUT IT? You working your butt off to combat stereotypes and assumptions about the way Men are, but know your best friend is cheating on his girlfriend/wife/partner? If there's anything in the world that black women hate/ can smell/see from a mile away is B*LLSH*T, so why should I believe you when you tell me, "I'm a good man.?"
I want blogs about that Ladies/Especially you Classic One--what are men doing to not let other men's behavior/actions shame their goodness?
Anon said "When I saw that 90% of the men that I would be interested in had checked every race BUT a black woman, I started to back away from the concept."
Why not check out the 10%? All you you need is one good one.
The letter you provided is a birdseye view of what may go on in the minds of some WM. It would do BW well to take heed.
And I do agree that too many BW are still saying, "I'm not really into dating WM".
Some friends of mine who are in their late 30s to early 40s are still hell bent on getting a desireable/marriage minded BM. Even when so many of their relationships have either fizzled after a quick flirtation to relationships to which a lot of time has been spent; these women have turned a blind eye to WM.
What I think many BW will do is get on the WM bandwagon when they see someone like me (who is open to dating WM) in a healthy relationship. Then they will wonder how I managed to find a WM who is loving, responsible, etc.
That is the old, "Well, since you seem happy and balanced, I will try to mirror what you have". Not sure if I see that as a positive...you should want a WM because your heart/mind is open. Not because you want to say, "If she can, I can too". Ladies, if we are honest, we know we compete like this.
Having said that, because of the environment(s) we live in today, I think it is more difficult to meet someone of ANY race in the day to day goings/comings of the average woman/man. I will admit though, when I was in my 20s (the 90s), it was easier to meet men...times have changed.
Particularly, if you live in a large city (i.e. NY), it is not often that people even say hello. I will not go off on a tangent about that...
To the WM who wrote the response that you posted, please know that if you smile and get a likewise response - it is highly likely that the BW is open to meeting you.
Share this tip with your WM comrades; it will go a long way to melting the 'ice' that seems to keep BW/WM in a holding pattern.
Growing up I've always had an attraction to white men. In fact, all my good friends in school were white boys. In fact, at work all my good friends were the white guys. But, I did what I think a lot of black women do, we marry a black men because this is what our families expect. After my divorce from my first husband, I dated a white guy for two 1/2 years.
Now, at thirty-five I can date interracially.
IMO, the whole nothin but a brotha is hindering the growth of black men in relationships. I date a white guy and a black guy both 25. The white guy was way more mature than the black guy. The white guy was more romantic and acted like he was lucky to have me. The black guy acted like I was lucky to have him. (He made sure I knew how many black women would love to have a 'good' black man like him.) So, I broke it off. He couldn't believe why I would let a good black man like him go. So, I told him how my last 'white' boyfriend was more romantic.chivarelous(sp?), already had his degree and a great career, while he was still in school and working part-time, this made him furious. The first thing out his mouth was,'so, you're one of those black women who think you're too good for a black man."
I applaud you Miss Issue, I think I would have been happy to say in that moment, "Yes, maybe I am--or at least better then you."
But on another tip, what you said Ava really struck me, because I recognize my inhibitions about IR dating really being that I and alot of my fellow BW at Northeastern just have the image of happiness being with a Black Man, and when we see those brave enough to just sit out, we do see her happiness and think maybe I should try it.
But then have that moment in bed looking down at your partner and wishing this man came in black. Like I said earlier-last nights rant-sorry; we need to talk about that now. What the hindrances are--the fear/the root of it. The re-association of words to racial characteristics and of course the understanding that you're not giving up the dream, just realizing it in a different way.
I don't know, let me know what ya'll are thinking about this...
We keep coming up against the "mindset" problem time and time again, and the profound effect that it has on bw and wm when it comes to IR's. Both of us (bw-wm) must deal with all of the baggage that we have accumulated over the years regarding what we think about each other and ourselves and what that ultimately means in terms of how we deal with one another in a relationship. The "nuts and bolts" part of IR's can be argued back and forth-where do you meet wm, where do you meet bw, what do you say, how do you court etc.-to fairly good effect I think, but the mental issues that must be overcome are quite another story. If there is a single theme that I see on the various IR blogs, it is the difficulty that many bw have with the idea that "You know, it's OK for me to consider ALL men when seeking a mate. There is nothing wrong with me trying to find happiness and fulfillment with a quality man regardless of his skin color. I am not defective or selfish for thinking this way." A close second to this is the question of,"DO some wm REALLY think that bw are attractive and desirable as marriage partners, or am I just fooling myself? Is what I have ALWAYS heard, that NO wm thinks bw are attractive really true, or is it just part of an attempt to keep me 'inside the box'?" While we can talk about these issues forever, I think that the greatest argument that can be made is by example, and I think that this is one of the greatest strenths of the IR blogs; the example of bw who ARE in loving, committed and fulfilling relationships with wm-kudos to Sara for providing a seemingly endless stream of photos showing "just plain ol folks" in IR'-and the wm who step up to debunk the myth that we don't find bw attractive and desirable as mates. Much as it might seem like beating the same drum endlessly, more and more folks keep showing up at the blogs looking for reassurance that they aren't alone, and that there are wm who would be honored and delighted to enter into a LTR with them. So we do, I think, have to keep repeating some of these basic "truths" until they become "common knowledge" and not the closely guarded secrets that those who desire to keep bw and wm apart would like them to remain.
Grant, you made some valid observations about the 'mindsets' of BW/WM regarding potential pairings. And I agree with you that the 'baggage' needs to END Now.
We can go back and forth 'talking' and debating who/what 'should' be done to make a great IR pairing between BW and her desired man...Can we all agree that we need to clear our heads of what is important and get on with it?
If someone is still wondering, "Does this WM really want me for the total of who I am? Or does he just want me for satisfy his fantasy?", then she is not ready for an IR relationship. It seems highly likely that her self-esteem needs some boosting. And yes, I agree that so many BW (not all) have to peel away the layers of so many years of negativity that we were fed:
1) Not feeling attractive to the BC
2) Not feeling valued by the BC
3) Subliminal messages that no one would really 'want' us but maybe a BM (no matter how damaged he is)
4) WM should never be an option because of what happened during slavery (this is bullshit by the way - - - as some BM treat you worse than WM did during slavery)
5) The only thing a WM could possibly want with an 'average' BW is sex (i.e. non Halle Berry type BW)
Sidebar: Black Women are some of the worst offenders of the above scenarios. Yes, mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and other women in the Black Community. Oh yes, very negative indeed.
So there are many BW whose psyches are damaged...so we need to work on this before trying to partner with Anyone (Black, White, Hispanic, etc.). Few men are willing to respect with a woman who thinks of herself as undesireable. I know I certainly want NO man who has low self-esteem. It is very unattractive. And emotionally draining on one's mate.
To that end, I stopped some time ago wondering if I was attractive enough. I could care less who thinks otherwise, I KNOW I am quite lovely. BW we Must tell ourselves this daily; then Believe it. And you know what? When I step outside my home, I get respect from All people. I do not look down or anything...I step like, "I am lovely. And confident".
Who looks at me like I'm stupid for walking as such??? BM mostly. And some Indian women and WW. And more than a few BW Definitely look at me like I'm crazy! A dead ringer for knowing a BW has lower self-esteem than she should. Note to all BW: When you see a BW being feminine and confident, you should take care to make mental notes. And acknowledgement of said woman would not hurt either.
I will end with this:
*BW work on your inner selves. When you do, you will know to trust that you deserve much in this life. This mindset attracts like minded people (which means you may need to detach yourself from negative folk).
*WM please be assertive (read: confident and respectful) when contemplating your desires for a BW. Just do it. If you are an adult, you should know who you desire. If not, then some inner work is necessary on your end also. That will clear up what family, friends, colleagues, etc. might say. Ultimately, they will be happy dictating who you 'should' be with - and you just 'might' be unhappy while knowing you've passed up great opportunities to be with BW who met your needs/desires.
If I had stumbled upon these blogs two years ago then I would have taken a chance at love with a WM who I'd been friends with for a few years. Not only was I concerned about the IR aspect of our relationship but I was concerned about his passivity and questioned his ability to lead in our relationship. I'm now open to IR as a result of dealing with the hurt feelings and fall outs that resulted from that situation. Keep up the good work and let's tackle the mindset. It's a tough one to overcome.
p.s. Congratulations is spelled incorrectly on your sidebar (a "d" where there should be a "t").
Nicole said...
p.s. Congratulations is spelled incorrectly on your sidebar (a "d" where there should be a "t").
I (and more than a few others) say:
Why are you being the spelling monitor on this site? While we all hope to be articulate in what we write, due to quick typing, mispelled words will be in the posts from time to time.
Please, lets not bring the smallness to this blog. If you found 1 word mispelled and you felt compelled to 'point it out', it just seems small of you.
This blog is about something far larger than perfect spelling.
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