Are you attracted to bastards? (take the test)

Are you attracted to bastards? I'll just bet you are.
I think alot of the time when women claim that they cannot find true love, it is because they are looking for that devilishly handsome, sexy bastard that every woman dreams of taming. Ladies, the truth is that for most bastards, it will be a long time coming, before they become good husbands, if ever. Most women need to be bastard deprogrammed at some point in their lives. Don't be ashamed if you do, -just get on the phone to bastard-rehab and make an appointment-FAST!

What do I mean by bastard? Well lets discuss. Being sexy and/or handsome doe's not make him a bastard of course, but these are some clues that he just might be a bastard.

• he has alot of sex appeal but not too much emotional appeal


• he is OVERconfident, like he knows he's the sh*t


• He's quite charming in the beginning, yet as time goes on, you notice he is colder and colder for no conceivable reason.


• As soon as he has you hooked, he begins to lie and manipulate until you don't know up from down anymore.


• He has ex-wives or ex-girlfriends who want to kill him!


• The break up of his last relationship was ALL HER FAULT!


• Yes, he's been in jail for domestic violence but only because she nagged all the time, and drove him to it.


• Yes, he's married but he didn't tell you because he loves you so much and did not want to lose you.


• He's super -good in bed. 'honey he ought to be, with all that practice bedding everything from teenagers to grandmothers

The fact is that bastards are very sexy, of course they are they're so bad-boyish and unpredictable! You never know if they will show up for dates, make a pass at your mother, fall in love with your best friend, when you are 8 months pregnant, or "leave your ass for a white girl" You can usually tell when a friend is dating a bastard. After all if the knot on her forehead doesn't let you know the astronomical psychiatric bills should. I am convinced the reason many women have a hard time finding lasting true love is simply because women are conditioned to be attracted to bastards. In all the romance novels, the heroine finds some bastard, tames him, makes him hers and lives happily ever after. In real life, she probably would not make it to her 30th birthday before the men in white coats had to haul her away. Why? because the bastard would have caused her to lose her sanity! Ladies, we MUST lose our attraction to bastards. Loving marriages and bastards do not go together!

Oh! you swear that you are not attracted to bastards, read the following story; and if your pulse starts to race, your heart starts to pound, or you get so excited you have to take a cold shower, then,- hurry girl, call bastard-rehab quick, because honey you are on full BASTARD ALERT!

TAKE THE BASTARD TEST!

The following story is NOT for children! (Parental Advisory!)

Alisha was determined to break up with Antonio this time-he was not going to sweet talk her anymore! She tore through the house snatching all of his favorite things and throwing them quickly into the black trash bag. " this is what he gets, she thought angrily. "A big black trash bag of expensive stuff, free to the neighbors!" Foot ball jersey, lead crystal, designer towels, and bedding, brand new in the package, anything she could fit, was going in.

"That Italian son-of-a-bitch!" She thought angrily, she grabbed handfuls of his designer suits, cuff links and a full jewelry case, and tossed it all into the bag, She knew the items were worth thousands. She had been with him when he purchased most of it. Then, struggling to lift it, she opened the large picture window and let the over sized bag slide from of her sweaty palms over the edge of the sill. It hit the ground with a resounding thud, and was instantly ripped open by greedy neighbors. This was the 3rd one she had tossed out, she noted with satisfaction that the neighborhood people were enthusiastically going through Antonio's expensive things like a free garage sale. They knew the routine. Everybody knew that when a female is throwing out her man's stuff -hurry and get it before he comes back. Word had spread, and the crowd outside had gotten quite thick. As she filled another bag, she thought about their 3 years together and how she had loved him beyond reason, and now she knew for certain this other bitch was pregnant by him! She wanted to cut him and kill her! She was so hurt and angry she could hardly breathe.

She sank down into the thick pile carpeting, starring at herself in the mirrored closet door. Her usually beautiful, dark face looked like hell right about now. She was unkempt, her hair long and wild, and her sweaty red dress clung to her curves for dear life. She had to have a shower. She couldn't leave like this, there were too many people outside. She would take a fast shower, then she would get the hell out of here. Pulling herself unsteadily to her feet, she stepped into the luxury bath and took a fast, steaming hot shower. Then yanking open the walk in closet door, she grabbed the first thing of hers she saw, a clean white tee and pair of gray jogging pants. This large, luxury 6 br house belonged to Antonio, yet plenty of her stuff was here, the result of their 3 year long relationship. She raked a brush through her long, thick hair and grabbed her purse. " I'll just leave town" she resolved. " I am so f*cking done with him! I'm going to leave this bastard forever" She turned toward the door, but not fast enough...

A moment later, The people outside heard the distinct sound of a customized BMW and knew Antonio was back. People grabbed stuff from the bag desperately and ran, Nobody wanted to feel his wrath. A moment later, Antonio's large 6.4 bulky frame emerged from the car. His blue eyes looked like dark ice in his chiseled face, his black hair glistened from the fast shower he had taken at the gym, and his body was toned and taut. The women caught their breath as he reached back to grab his gym bag. His muscles straining against the expensive material of his shirt. He looked like the hero in a Harlequin romance, even in his enraged state. His best friend had informed him that Alisha knew about Kim, and rumor was, that she was leaving him. His handsome face was set in an anchor of stone. His presence as intimidating as a thunderstorm, people backed away as he passed by. Moving as if he were the head lion returning to his pride, he bounded up his walk way. "This bitch thinks she's leaving me! she got another thing coming" He thought angrily." He made the money, she didn't, she had nothing! her little black ass would still be in the hood scrounging for something to eat if it hadn't been for me!" he thought angrily. "I gave her a better life, took her places she would have never seen, bought her things people from the hood don't bother dreaming about, cause they know it'll never happen, and she thinks she's leavin' me?" His anger increased, and matched his strides. Moving into the house, he took the stairs 2 at a time. A moment later he caught sight of Alisha's beautiful, frightened face trying to run down the back spiral staircase that led from the kitchen. In one felt swoop he jumped the railing, threw his gym bag aside, and grabbed her arm. She turned, tears streaking from her chestnut colored eyes. "leave me alone Tony!" she shrieked, trying to pull away from his vice-like grip. " I hate you- and I'm leaving you, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it! " "You sure baby" he hissed, "you sure about that?" In an instant he had grabbed her around her small waist, and easily lifted her up, carrying her effortlessly back up the stairs. "please, stop, Tony, put me down! " Alisha forgot she was angry, now she was scared, Antonio had a fierce temper and she had seen him reduce grown men to simpering masses on more than one occasion. He carried Alisha back into his bedroom and threw her roughly on the bear skin comforter. His face was unreadable, but she knew exactly what he had in mind when he unbuckled his belt. With lightning speed he was across the room. He grasped the top edge of Alisha's white tee, and ripped it from her shaking body before she had time to think. "So you leavin me huh baby" His tone was cold, and low. Alisha felt rising panic. Fighting back, she raked her nails over his handsome face. She was ill prepared when he drew back his hand and slapped her with such strenghth, her jaw felt dislocated. She fell back on the bed disoriented, and sobbing, as Antonio took his time removing his clothes. Her mind was screaming run, but her body, paralyzed in fear, and unable to fight, stayed put. When he closed in on her, she tried to resist, but to no avail, He was far, far too strong. Easily he flung her back to the bed when she tried to escape, with such force, the wind was knocked from her. Grasping her bra, he gave it a hard tug, and it was ripped from her body, her breasts bounded free. Lowering his head, he sucked them hungrily. Then, moving to the edge of the bed, he pulled her struggling body to him and and snatched off her jogging pants. Alisha was naked except for her bikini panties. Her breath coming out in short, fear-filled pants as she tried to escape across the bed away from his searching hands. It was no use, pushing her body into the soft mattress, his mouth came down once again on her breasts rough and demanding. exploring her with his tongue like a man who knew exactly what he was doing. His hands, hard and unsympathetic, pulled her trembling thighs apart, He drank in the sight of her shaking in fear, enjoying her terror. Her cries for help went unanswered as he ripped the panties away with one hand, holding her down with the other, his fingers playing in the dark curls between her thighs "so your black ass thought you were goin' somewhere huh' lisha?" He mocked, his cold blue eyes raked over her. "Just thought I'd give you a goin' away gift." Alisha was crying hysterically as he moved away and yanked her, once again to the edge of the bed. His hands, over her flesh were rough and frightening. "please, Antonio-" she begged, terrified of the pain he was about to inflict. Like a fox he watched as she tried to lift her body off the bed, as soon as she did, he grabbed both of legs, pulled them up and pushed himself roughly inside of her taking her in long, deep, powerful strokes. Her cries for help, turning into shrieks of pain, making him more excited. Alisha's hands flailed wildly but she couldn't get away from the blinding pain no matter how she tried. Antonio, his eyes glazed over in ecstasy, seemed not to hear her. Alisha was beside herself with pain, when he bent to kiss her, she spit angrily in his face. Antonio calmly wiped his face and then turned back, and slapped her so hard her lip started to bleed. "want me t'show you how rough this shit can get baby?" He hissed in her ear, his voice was menacing, and cold. "you know I love it rough!" Alisha shook her head no, crying to hard to answer. Winding his hand in her long dark hair, he pulled her head back and kissed her over her face, her throat, and finally her lips, then back to her thoat, knowing exactly how to turn her body against her. Then he took her to his heart's content, moving in and out of her body like he owned her. After all he did, she belonged to him and he was never going to let her go. He rode her until her body yeilded, and just as he knew it would, began to betray her. He could feel the difference as her arousal deepened against her will. The pain giving way to something different... something slow and indescribably sweet... The heat starting in the center of her body moved outward until it threatened to consume her, then everything exploded, and she found herself shaking, screaming and drifting back to earth, her body wracked by tremors of pleasure she could not control. When he finally moved off of her, Alisha was cried out, spent and whimpering softly into the pillow. She felt so much pleasure and pain, she could hardly cry. Antonio watched her like a tiger watching it's prey. A coy smile tugged at the corner of his sensuous mouth. Expertly, he feigned remorse, pulling his girlfriend gently toward him, he buried his face in her sweet smelling hair. Finally giving her the tenderness he knew she was desperate for. He was an expert on women, and knew exactly what to do, when to do it and which technique to use. He even knew that although he had just beaten, and raped her, her attraction for him had just gone through the roof and there was not a snow ball's chance in hell of her leaving him. He'd always known exactly how to make a woman putty in his hands, Alisha was no exception. A second later, as he knew she would, she laid her head onto his bulky shoulder and began to cry. Antonio played his role to the hilt. Murmuring endearments to her as she cried and kissing her gently, 'knowing ' that now was the time to give her love and affection. He could almost feel her fighting with herself trying not to forgive him, trying to fight the love and attraction tearing at her soul, he also knew she would lose that fight. He wasn't surprised to see her big brown eyes gazing at him with adulation or that she grasped his hand and held onto it ( a sure sign a woman is feeling vulnerable, and wants affection) He spread his muscled arms wide, and noted with amusement how quickly she threw herself into them, as if she were afraid the offer would be withdrawn. His blue eyes were mysterious, and calculating. He knew she wasn't going anywhere, the look in her eyes told him everything she would not say. His smile was self-assured, and cunning, but Alisha couldn't see it. She was too busy enjoying the warmth of his arms and the feel of his lips gently brushing her cheek. Her eyes sparkled, as she gazed at him lovingly, Her attraction for him, so strong, it felt like a living thing, more alive than the orgasm she was still shaking from-even though a part of her hated him right now, a stronger part of her was hopelessly in love and attracted in a way she had never experienced before, "how dare that bitch trick my baby into getting her pregnant" she thought angrily. "Oh she would just love for me to leave my baby so she could have him!" she thought smugly to herself, but Leaving Antonio was the last thing on her mind.....

PS. If you are sweating or breathing hard right now, you may have a BA (bastard alert)

If you were attracted to Antonio, then yes, (don't bother denying it) you probably Do have a bastard alert.

But if you are lighting up a cigarette right now and asking yourself "Dayuuummm, why that dumb bitch wanna leave him!" Child, check yourself into rehab right away -cause you definitely have a BASTARD ADDICTION!

Bastard-deprogramming, is here to help you (please call 1800-Bastard) -All major insurance accepted. PSS. PLEASE DO NOT GIVE YOUR BASTARD THE ADDRESS OF OUR FACILITY!