He loves her color-not her!
The following article was posted by a white woman, even they are beginning to pick up on the colorism of Damaged BM.
By lesliejane - Posted on June 23rd, 2007
I am a white woman (of native American and creole heritage)who recently ended a relationship with a black man for whom I cared very much because I realized that his only attraction to me was my "caucasioness." This particular individual is very successful and seems to have a very warped belief that being with a white woman is somehow a form of elevated status. He refuses to date black women, yet has no white male friends. This concept is disturbing to me, and have noticed, albeit anecdotally, that black woman/white man relationships seem to be more genuine.
What is up with this crap that black men are some how "moving up" by having relationships with white women? I have noticed that some black men I know will reject successful, accomplished, engaging black women in favor of less than such white women (I hate to put it this way, but can we say skanky, trashy, etc.). It is no wonder that black women are bothered by this. I don't blame them.
What do you think of this article? I think this demonstrates that even ww are beginning to wake up. No woman is her right mind wants to be used for her skin! How disgusting.
This is what is so dangerous about BW sitting at home waiting for brothers to come back. If "he is damaged, and you ain't white-he ain't commin" Sistas never let your life go by waiting for a brother. Truly life is short, and men are plentiful, never let the BC convince you that he must be black. Especially when so many brothers are running around choosing 'white'. Sometimes I almost feel sorry for WW, they don't know how many of these men are damaged and are only wanting them for a skin color. They really believe these men love them, and many of them don't. So naive! Men who are incapable of loving themselves, certainly cannot love a woman, regardless of her color. This WW recognized that this man ONLY wanted her for her color and she was disgusted, as any woman with good sense would be. I remember my white aunt Tina whom I loved very much. Before she and my uncle separated and divorced. He already had another white woman lined up ready to take her place. Aunt Tina was devastated. However, the new girl was equally devastated, when he got tired of her, and replaced her with another ww. My aunt told me before she passed, "he never loved me, it was just my color-I wish I had looked for a man who loved ME!"
I wish she had too, because although I loved my uncle,(despite the fact that he was definitely damaged) Aunt Tina, and every woman deserves to be truly loved and not USED for her skin like an animal.
Ladies life is SHORT! look for real love, don't give these damaged, colorstruck, 'caricatures of men' any of your precious time!
posted by Taylor-Sara @ 1:08 AM
19 Comments
19 Comments:
Doesn't surprise me. My heart went out to your Aunt, Sara. She did deserve a man that loved HER.
There was a post on C-1's blog and the conversation headed toward the "uplifting" of WW in the eyes of USSociety. They are touted as being the "ideal" woman. That their beauty is superior to other races. Is this the repercussions of such brainwashing that White America dishes out through media and such. Even they believe it. When they see "their" men with AW and BW, they feel a need to show they are the prize. BM aren't the only one who "want a white woman" and see them as the ultimate status symbol. They just have a much baser reason for seeking them out.
Side note though....
I had a conversation with an Latino man recently. He dated nothing but WW throughout his teenage and adult life. Now they are crazy! He's looking for a LTR with a woman of color, be she black or Latina (who he has never dated by the way, but heard they are hot! LMAO). I didn't understand his reasoning.
Dee
Truly life is short, and men are plentiful, never let the BC convince you that he must be black. Especially when so many brothers are running around choosing 'white'.
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sums its all up. thank you.
I'm glad you posted this. I've always felt that despite prevalence of bm/ww relationships it was more difficult to find ones rooted in true love. Conversely, I rarely encounter wm/bw relationships where the individuals are not truly in love with WHO one another are as opposed to WHAT they are racially. This should come as no surprise to us because (as all blogs have noted) wm and bw have nothing to gain society-wise by entering into romantic relationships with one another. If anything, they have more to lose in terms of the challenges and disapproval they encounter from family, friends, and greater society. No one is going to deal with those negatives for the sake of someone's skin color. Nope! It has to be love! (and is, in most cases just that).
Plus, wm and bw have to work harder to *find* one another as we don't always readily socialize nor are groomed to perceive one another as potential mates. To establish a quality relationship with a bw/wm takes more energy and dedication as there are many myths and mindsets one must overcome. On the other hand, bm and ww are socialized to view one another as "forbidden fruit" and therefore try out one another for a host of reasons, few of which reflect true love for the individual.
Though bw/wm relationships may face challenges in their development, they have the potential in most cases to be a symbol of true love for the rest of society. In this day, we certainly need more examples of that, regardless of the racial makeup of the individuals involved.
Yay, for being loved for who we are rather than for what we look like. Keep your eyes open ladies and make sure he loves YOU!!
Nicole--There are studies that validate your point. I went to an inter-cultural/interracial conference in Chicago and sat in on a session called "Black Women/White Men: Interracial Marriage."
This university professor interviewed hundreds of IR couples (bw/wm and bm/ww) in the Chicago area. When she asked black men why they married their spouse, black men, by a large majority, said that white women were more supportive, less combative, etc etc.
When asking black women why they married their spouse, the women said "he has a great sense of humor, he's gorgeous, he's got alot in common with me, etc." Hardly any women pointed as race as the reason for marrying their spouse.
This was just a study done in Chicago. I don't know if it translates to the rest of the U.S. But, the stats speak to your point.
That was a beautiful and truthful post Nicole.
Thank you for stating everything you just did. I agree 100% with your analysis and would add something if you hadn't already summed things up so nicely.
And thank you Taylor-Sara for yet another thought provoking and honest article.
Keep it up!
Shirl, thanks for telling us about that study. It echoes what I've heard from many black and latino men when I've asked them about why they date white women. They all answered with a stereotype.
I enjoyed reading the post...that is a very painful lesson to learn....And I believe it's true...Even WW are beginning to catch on....That they're a "prize" to BM for the wrong reasons...
http://thecwexperience.wordpress.com
OMG! Even the WW are starting to notice this trend. We all know what that means...
DBRbm will start getting turned down and will TRY to come back!
Be prepared! Know their real 'color' lol the real game.
Thanks Sara.
I have 2 DBR uncles who married ww in the 90s for "papers" and a job. Both marriages ended in divorce, and they have both since remarried, one to a bw (who he has abused in the past), the other to an asian woman, who now has "papers" because of him. Both uncles had negative things to say when they were introduced to my white fiancé. I'm at the point where I don't even give them (or any DBR's)any energy. It's a colossal waste of time, and they won't change. We just need to fine tune our DBR radar to spot them and stay far away.
It's exciting to hear about the studies that validate the point that I was making. It is interesting that it was done in Chicago...an extremely segregated city in which I do not frequently encounter bw/wm IR couples. Don't get me wrong, they are there just not in overwhelming numbers.
I love how DBR's speak up when a bw commits to a quality non-bm. It shows their ability to see that they cannot compete with quality men due to their poor character rather than race.
For this reason, I wish bw would stop being offended by ww/bm couples, especially when the bm are less than stellar. We are beautiful, confident, and quality women destined to make an equally quality man very happy. And yes, we can compete...because of the content of our character rather than our race.
These are exciting times indeed!
Hey Ladies,
1.) Another wonderful post, as always, Taylor-Sara.
2.) Nicole, you hit so on the head with your comment. I've already AIMed your response to my circle of Bfemale friends that have gotten hocked on our network of blogs. The only supplement I can add is to tell you all to read a new bloggers post on "INTER-RACIAL DATING & BLACK WOMEN" @ http://sangraneth.blogspot.com/
Read parts 1 & 2, then send your comments in to encourage/asking SANGRANETH to keep on posting. The man's on a roll too, and it's always smart to support those with valid perspective.
3.) To reliance316, I would add to your comment that, BLACK WOMEN start smiling at white men. I forgot where I read it, but it was said if black woman would look up and see every one else who was checking them out-they would be surprised who was stealin glances at you; and it's true. But it's just as true that WHITE MEN, don't be afraid to smile back.
Taylor-Sara has mentioned this to some degree, but IT IS ABOUT PROJECTION, you projection interest and openness when you see a glance, then just sit back and watch where it gets you. But again, WM PLEASE TAKE A HINT, lol. We BM are better for more then an occasional smile and a flirt.
Stay strong and keep your heads up lovelies
Hi Sara, you are so right about life being short, that’s why my goal is to enjoy and get/give as much love as I can before “the lights go out” :-)
Let me start off by saying that I never cared about race, people are people. Before meeting my husband, I had never dated a wm, and I was not actively seeking one. We did not meet in a romantic context so our relationship was more formal at first. Plus, i’m old-fashinoned so if a man wants me, he’s going to have to prove that I’m not just another “knotch” on his belt.
Anyway, once he got it into his head that he wanted me, he did everything in his power to “get me” (he’s hard headed-LOL). Later on in our relationship I asked him why he didn’t save himself the trouble and find someone more “accommodating”. His answer was “I loved you” (typical man of few words-LOL). He thought that I was worth the trouble and he proved it to me. Its been ten years and we’re happier than ever.
The bottom line is, every woman interested in a relationship, wants a man that makes her feel like she’s the best thing that ever happened to him. If a woman rejects such a man just because of his skin color, she could be missing out on the love of a lifetime.
I found that Chicago study interesting, too. The presenter concluded that black men in her study felt the need to "justify" their choice of spouse. Black women didn't do that as often. I would think that black women would feel the need to justify, too.
I think a lot of couples in the Chicago study met at work. I met my husband through a coworker--who, by the way, said she knew TONS of guys that would date me. And I immediately thought, 'well, she's white and I'm obviously black so I'll trust that meeting her guy friends won't be ackward! Anyway, when I met her pals at her birthday party...seriously...I could barely get a moment to myself! They were very interested and really friendly guys! And I married one of them!
I've always been open to dating all men so my choice of spouse was about higher considerations above race/ethnicity--common goals, romance, responsibility, (and let's not forget hotness and bedroom compatibility!!)
I'm probably preaching to the choir here but keep your high standards for your life and for your man. Have high expectations and he may actually rise to them, AND don't put up artificial roadblocks to love and lifelong companionship!!
FYI...Nicole and Reliance316 are one in the same. Sometimes I log in and sometimes I don't. I'll try to be consistent from here on out as that helps us identify and continue conversations with one another :)
Georgia:
If ya'll will forgive me, "you ain't never lied"-lol. I've been running a little experiment for the last few months, nothing very scientific mostly anecdotal, and 95% of the BW I encounter either do not look up OR if they do make eye contact it would have to be measured in nano-seconds:-) And of the remaining 5% who do look up and make eye contact they are always the 25 and under crowd. So I would add, if you are in the forty and over group, PLEASE make an extra effort to look up and maybe make just a teeny weeny little bit of a smile:-) I'm pretty shy, but I really do make an effort to try for eye contact, so keep lookin up, it might be me.
This is a little bit off topic but slightly linked. On C1's post about dyme pieces a blogger commented that "Looks trump race." That is, if a woman is beautiful men take notice and are willing to take her regardless of racial differences.
This mentality certainly supports bm involved in IRs as wm as considered a "standard" of beauty. Furthermore, this logic helps explain the whole "he likes her color--not her" phenomenon. I think the concept that looks trump race may highlight another challenge to developing bw/wm relationships.
Go with me here. WM and BW have the most to "lose" when entering into a relationship with each other. BW do not receive praise from other BW for having a WM (this is much more common for AW or some LW). Similarly, WM do not become the envy of their friends when they bring home a BW. Instead, they are likely to receive the opposite. Without the existence of said attractiveness it can become more difficult for BW and WM to "justify" their IR.
For this reason, I think attractiveness (as in the eye of the beholders) matters more for BW and WM reluctant to entering into relationships with each other. To this point, I've heard the whole "if I cross the line he must be fine" argument. To be honest, I even subscribed to that logic before in my younger days and used it as a means of justifying not entering into IR. Aside: Forgive me for my foolish ways and rest assured that I am now equal opportunity for quality men of all backgrounds :)
Back to my thought process...I think this "looks trumps race" logic can explain why some BW can hold undying crushes for celebrity WM whose attractiveness is confirmed by society but fail to be open to the WM they encounter in their daily lives. Perhaps these WM, still attractive in their own right, may be considered "average" and therefore not attractive "enough" to justify engaging in an IR and enduring the difficulties and judgment that often result.
Simply, I think some may subconsciously need to justify their IR to themselves and to others. Let's face it, our society doesn't pride itself on valuing good character traits in romantic partners regardless of race. Hence, it makes sense that physical attractiveness may be a measuring stick that BW and WM reluctant to IR use more often to weigh IR over same-race romantic relationship decisions.
Just a thought...
I don't know reliance. your argument certainly makes sense, yet I have seen so many WM with BW that one would not really consider attractive... I think it's just love.
Sara, I too have seen many WM with BW that one would not really consider attractive. I don't think I was clear in my other post but my curiosity is whether physical attractiveness poses more of a challenge to those die hard nothing but a black man, reluctant to IR BW being open to non-bm.
Hence, void of perceiving "adequate" physical attractiveness in non-bm (that is, enough to compensate for the racial difference and justify her crossing the line), some BW fail to be open (i.e., eye contact, smiling, small talk, etc.) to getting to know non-BM better.
Again, this logic is an attempt (perhaps a poor one at that) to identify an additional challenge facing (or warped mentalities held by) bw who are not open to engaging in IR.
Once again, just a thought. Back to work I go :)
I don't know reliance. your argument certainly makes sense, yet I have seen so many WM with BW that one would not really consider attractive... I think it's just love.
I also believe that more WM/BW relationships are based in love.
However unlike you, it's been my observation that BW are far more likely to be with unattractive (both physically, economically) BM more so than those who date/marry WM.
And there are so many examples of this.
As if simply being black and male somehow makes up for obvious physical, social, and economic deficiencies.
The same way BM often lower their standards if the female is white/light.
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