A Mammy Speaks ...(Can you hear the manipulation?).
These are some of the ways/strategies mammies and DBRBM use to control us sistas and to keep us from looking/dating/marrying outside the box.
The following is a common article directed toward BW that I found, and wanted to discuss.
Notice how she pretends to have nothing against IRs, and then cleverly insinuates that BW who date out for ANY reason are wrong, and subtly denotes them as traitors......
This is what she said......
Fellas come out of the jungle because some sistah's are peeking in and a few have succumbed to the fever. Ladies I don't have a problem with interracial dating. As a true romantic I do believe love is where it finds you. Color is not an issue. I do have a problem with some of the reasons, especially the following:"I exclusively date white men because black me are dogs!" The color of a dog does not determine his loyalty. Does it? "All the good educated black men are married or in serious relationships "There are single brothers out there who are in the category of none of the above and all professional men are not white. "White men know how to respect their women and treat them better!" I suppose this is a subjective statement and the term depends on what you mean. You see disrespect is universal"Black men have no money. Besides, they all pay child support!"White men pay child support and alimony as well. Just because the man is white does not mean he has the green. What happened to love? No, it doesn't pay the rent, but it helps to have someone that will go that extra mile because he loves you. Would a sistah be considered brain dead if her decision was to be with a hard working black man that loves her? Provides for her?"I'm tired of struggling that's why I would rather have a white man!"There is nothing wrong with being tired and wanting to relax a bit. Remember there are all kinds of struggles. White folk struggle just like the rest of us."The white men either have money or could teach you how to make money or both!Say what!?!"White men are not demanding." Say what!? Again!! The relationship alone is demanding. There are two worlds to contend with. That is demanding."Black men always start arguments at Christmas, and apologize after New Year's. The holidays are never mentioned until they roll around again, and then there is another round in the ring like the year before."The thing is some of us fall for the same stuff year after year then complain about it. Sometimes it's best to simply let go if the pattern continues. "Brothers stay in relationships with black women until they become successful. The first thing they do is dump the woman that hung in there with him broke, on the brink of starvation and bankruptcy. Some white woman reaps the rewards of his success. Let's face it. She would not have given the brother a second look if he were broke. I'm not going to subject myself to that!Some men seem to have a woman of a different race as a symbol of prestige or as something that he could never have. This does not justify having a mate for the sole purpose of showing off. Yes this does happen. It happens quite a bit and yes the sistahs are taking notice. Does it make it any better if we do the same thing? Wanting to taste the forbidden fruit is (so to speak) is not a good reason to enter into a relationship that will have an impact on your entire life. In the case of the brother the impact will be on his wallet."I'm looking for better things in life. That's why I date white!"Think of a soft-boiled egg. Can you tell if the yoke is done from the outside of the shell? Some things to think about: Why do some of us wear contacts to change the color of our eyes? Green? Blue? Hazel?We get angry with the brothers dating white or interracially, yet we do all the things that make us look like the women we ***** about.Does that make us beautiful?Are we subconsciously trying to attract the brothers by transforming ourselves into what we think they want? At the same time white people spend hours in the sun to darken their skin. They braid their blond hair and the sistahs do the same. Aren't we all creating an illusion?Somebody help me understand this mess. I am confused.When we are successful at getting what we want, as time goes by we tend to let ourselves go. The man comes home from work or he comes by for a visit and what doe he see? The house is a mess and dinner is not prepared. Furthermore, his woman may be wearing a scarf on her head to protect that new weave, wearing an oversized sweat suit, and less than attractive in appearance. Let's not forget going to bed with the rag on the head. We tend to get a bit lax or should I say comfortable with someone as we get to know him or her. Some of us work very hard. At the end of the day we are tired and there is nothing wrong with that. It's okay. Sometimes we dress the way we feel. That is okay too sometimes, but we can't take for granted that the man does not care and will be with us forever. He does take notice. We can often focus on ourselves and forget about those around us. Stuff happens. You know?Putting on something sexy and being a little attentive is okay too. Doing something creative every now and then to maintain his interest can't hurt. If every black man or woman that you were in a serious relationship with fizzled out, perhaps a closer look at the type of partner being chosen should be examined. The reasons why you chose that particular person may be significant. He is so fine or he's a doctor, or she has a nice butt or he has a nice butt should not be the sole reason for entering into a relationship. The race he or she is should not be of great importance. The focus should be on the kind of person he or she is. A relationship needs foundation and two willing builders. This is not an attack on my sistah's. I love you and I am a firm believer of the sisterhood. This is just a view of what is really happening. It may seem be a little ridiculous. The truth of the matter is that all of the above reasons for why some black women date interracially are really true. People actually gave these reasons. I find that very disquieting.Let me say again that there is absolutely nothing wrong with interracial dating. If your destiny should lead you into that direction by all means be happy, but make sure you are with this person for the right reason. Hurting feelings is not acceptable. Your feeling may be the ones in jeopardy. Know what you are getting into. The outside of a person tells us nothing about what is inside no matter what color the skin. Making the right choices for the right reasons is what it is all about.
First of all this woman says she has nothing against IR, and it's quite clear-that is her first misrepresentation among many others.
Sistas can you feel/see/smell the manipulation!!! (lol) This woman lists a whole, viable lists of excellent reasons Black women have given her for dating out. Then she promptly stomps on every one of them! She is mammified to the MAX! Can you believe this Sh*T! She has the audacity to tell BW they have no right NOT to stand behind brothas who have nothing going for them! (lol) She seems to feel that no matter what, we should be in their corner, no matter how much they shirk their children and responsibilities, and run to WW. She unequivocally states that we may feel slighted, used, abused, disrespected and repeatedly maligned by brothers BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO EVER STEP OUT OF THE BOX! Then what the hell IS a good reason? All of those reasons sound damn good to me!
She lists some of the reasons BW give for dating/stepping outside the box:
According to her, BW say:
1. "BM are all paying child support/have no money
2. "black men are dogs!"
3. "black men don't respect black women"
4. "black men are too demanding"
5. "black men start an argument at Xmas and then make up at New Year's
6. "black men let you stand behind them, and then when they make it, marry white women"
7. "black men get ww for prestige or status symbols"......
She promptly argues that white men may be paying child sup. too, and that race has nothing to do with money I firmly believe it is not the race that holds most BM back, it is the culture. They have been inculcated into a culture that pities them and pacifies them and makes them believe that they are entitled to something. Whereas BW have been told since babyhood, nobody owes you anything, and you must go get/earn what you seek! This has resulted in an indigenous culture of BW who are going for the gusto while simultaneously feeling guilt/sympathy for the BM who don't No one is implying that all BM are no-good, but lets face it the numbers of damaged and dangerous men in our community far exceed the viable ones!
She seems to feel that BW have no right to go for WM who have money because they should feel duty-bound to stand behind a broke brother.
My question is, does she go out and lecture these color-struck, bling-bling wearing, materialistic and shallow brothers who never seem to have money for child support, yet can afford to put 1000s of dollars worth of grill in their worthless mouths?
Doe's she ever lecture these brothers who go around calling BW loud, fat, manly, unfeminine, and a host of other slanderous referrals, and then use these negative portrayal as justification for dating exclusively white, latino, and asian?
Why don't we as women deserve men who bring something to the table? We have worked our fingers to the bone, who deserves a break more than US!
Why should a sista who has spent years getting a good education, or started a successful business, and made numerous sacrifices to do it, settle for an uneducated miscreant just because he shares her skin color! That sounds like lunacy to me. She tells BW there are "Black professional out there!" Why yes, sista there are indeed, and most of them are looking for white women! Experts estimate there are anywhere from 6-9 black women for EVERY black man! Does it sound like there are enough to go around? Never mind the fact that more than half are looking for ANYTHING EXCEPT BLACK!
To the "BM don't respect BW" comment she brushes off. I guess we have nerve to think WE should be respected!
To her question "would a sista be brain dead to go the extra mile with a BM who loved her- my answer is, too many brothers are only giving their 'love' to light, bright or damn near white women! Why would a sista limit her chances of finding true love and happiness with ANY man who loved her, is what I want to know!
She says BW complain that BM get white women for prestige, use them until they get that coveted white woman, and start arguments in order to avoid spending money on them. She admits that yes, this does happen often, yet how can we justify doing the same thing as them?
My answer is we are not doing the same as them! If a man is damaged then he is of little use to you plain and simple. You cannot turn spoiled and rotten material back into viable/usable material by working with it. You must discard the rotten material and START FRESH! I am tired of mammies like this telling sistas to stay with these sorry, trifling brothers because that is what a good woman does. A smart woman takes into consideration her needs, her wants, and HER CHILDREN- and makes decisions based on these factors, regardless of what the 'community has to say about it. Sistas often BM will use mammies like this to control BW. Do not let yourself be controlled. You deserve a good man, not a piece of man. You deserve someone who can provide! Not someone else you will have to carry. We have carried enough over 200 years-It is time for BW to put their burdens DOWN! You deserve a man who already has himself together-not someone you have to mold, work with, help up, and motivate etc. You deserve good husbands and good fathers for your children. Never listen to mammies like this, Always reach for the best in your careers, your life and definitely your mate. Never settle for less. Whatever reasons you have for dating out-those are YOUR REASONS-AND YOU ARE ENTITLED TO THEM!
You do not need to explain to ANYONE why you have decided to date out! Always act in your own best interest! You owe that to yourself and your born/unborn children!
posted by Taylor-Sara @ 8:32 AM
48 Comments
48 Comments:
They always start about by saying they have nothing against IR, it's always one of the first lines out of a segregationist/ keep it in the race, type.
You're so rigth C1 it was evident from the first line that she was very much against IRs
I've heard pretty much the same from pro-black women and men. Even though there are some women (and men) who date white because they believe the grass is greener on the other side, this does not reflect a vast majority of IR relationships.
I've had this discussion with some black women and some men at work and here's what we came up with as to why black men think they are 'owed' something.
Alot of black mothers doted on their sons, creating the momma's boy of today. His momma bent over backwards to see that he had everything his heart desires.
Secondly, black women willing to man share. This is some serious type of craziness. The 'at least I got a man' mindset of some black women keeps them thirsty for the foolishness of a cheating black man.
Third, guilt. Guilt from the community, family, friends, etc. Especially if a black woman is educated (moreso if she went to a HBSU), she 'owes' the black community.
Given the disparity between available black women and black men, one has to wonder why these people are focusing their energy on the excess of black women rather than on the shortcomings of black men.
Wow, macalyne. You hit the nail on the head. You are right. We as BW in general do love our sons so much that we forget to teach them to be men. There have been so many times where a BM has literally let a door slam in my face or knock me down trying to get into an elevator. Where is the chivalry? I want to be treated like a princess. Many BM don't get it. Instead, they want be treated WM. As a matter of fact, my grandmother told me "don't bring a white man home". We a BW need to start seeing things on a more global scale. Besides, if you want a different outcome in your love life, you might have to date someone different.
I agree with all three of your comments and malacyne, that must have been a very insightful conversation! I am a young BW who wants to find a great mate to get married to and have babies with but the men around my Jersey City neighborhood just aren't cutting it. Most of them are not in school, are not trying to advance themselves in the work place and have babymamma drama- I said most not all, but it does seem like it's all. Am I supposed to wait around for a no good "damaged brother." Hell no! I have enough of them in my family thank you very much. You guys along with Sara hit it right on the nose.
Once I get into NYU graduate school I will be dating out or in a IR definitely.
I agree with everything the three of you have said and malacyne, that must have been one intriguing conversation. I am a college educated, young BW who wants to go to Grad school, get married to a great mate and have the family I've always dreamed about. I have always been attracted to men of every race, specifically white and asian men. So if I plan on being in a IR which I do that means I am not willing to wait for a "damaged brother" to get his shit together, who has that type of time. Yes that woman who wrote that extremely long poor excuse to stick to our own kind for the sake of the community is definitely a mammie. I am not trying to be her, ever!
I am going to date who I want to because the black men I see in my community are 1.) not in college,
2.) not trying to advance themselves in the work place and
3.) always have babymamma drama. That is my experience of what I see on a daily basis. I am not going to tolerate being another womb for most of the babied black men that can't seem to do for themselves, that mammy can call it betraying our race if she wants to, I don't care what she thinks as long as no trifling man calls me, period!
I have to admit that I always feel uncomfortable when the discussion of IRs becomes one in which the shortcomings of *some* bm are highlighted to "justify" a bw's openness to dating men of any color. I think this type of discussion causes others to miss the point of these blogs and the greater movement to which they belong: BW should make the best decisions for themselves in all areas of life (relationships, finances, spirituality,etc.) and stop letting society or social norms dictate what is or is not "right" for us.
Discussing IR with such an emphasis on the shortcomings of bm clouds this point and makes non-bm seem like plan B's (as was discussed on another blog recently). It also gives bm too much power over us. Do we assume that b/c of their (bm) behavior poor bw now must seek IR in the hopes of finding love? Please! We seek the quality men that are interested in us regardless of their color.
I respect the bm who, when asked about their non-bw parter, speak about how they hit it off and she's cool as being reasons for why they're together. I do not appreciate bm who respond to the same question with negative comments about bw.
As a bw now open to IR, I refuse to allow the shortcomings of some bm to be a motivating factor behind my dating choices. Such an attitude makes me reactive as opposed to proactive. Instead, I should be judging all people by the content of their character and not the color of their skin.
Hence, just because he's white doesn't mean he's right either. I know we all know this but from some of the comments I've read across all of the blogs it seems like some bw might be making sweeping generalizations in this regard.
I think it also perpetuates the same bashing within the bc that continues to divide us. Personally, I'd appreciate an elevated discussion of IR such that bm are not unfairly generalized and unnecessarily degraded. I think that we, as bw know all too well what that feels like.
I agree with reliance316/Nicole. There is a lot of emphasis on some BM shortcomings when trying to explain/justify dating out. To me, that stuff doesn’t matter. Who you date should be a matter of personal choice, not something you do to make your community happy.
My personal motto is to find someone who catches my drift. Someone who enjoys verbal intercourse, has a good sense of humor, and likes some of the same type of music that I do. I admit I can be pretty weird, so its best I cast a wide net.
I also agree w/Reliance in that sometimes I sense ppl are covering up any not-so-good parts that the WM could have. I could be wrong.
But I do feel its important to impart on some of the repulsiveness that the DBRbm are prone to. Mostly because there has been strong messages otherwise.
We seek the quality men that are interested in us regardless of their color.
Much as i would like to believe this, i think it is an ideal. we might as well accept that 75% of bw will not give wm the time of day until after the bm option has been closed off, diminished, or discredited; yes it doesnt make us look too good does it, but this is the real deal at the days end lol!
its a nice little ideal that we put all men into a bowl and then with all nuetrality, pick one out, but I think many bw evolve/mature to that point and to that position where they can say, "Men are men and i dont discriminate" just as you have said above, but it is a process for majority of bw. indeed they might opt to try IR as a reaction to some 'issue' within the black setting and them later down the line become more open-minded and conscienceous in their approach.
I respect the bm who, when asked about their non-bw parter, speak about how they hit it off and she's cool as being reasons for why they're together. I do not appreciate bm who respond to the same question with negative comments about bw.
I think here in lies the reason for our discomfort with acknowlegding what is clearly the motivation to IR for the majority of bw; that this makes us no better than bm who enagaged in bw bashing to justify their irs. indeed we want to be seen as 'righteous' and of higher moral standards in our choice to date other men than bm who bashed us.
Maybe sometime in the future when we have finally put to rest this notion that it has to be bm or we need to exhaust the bm option first, then bw will avail themselves of all men without these uncomfortable motivations playing a part.
till then, i tend to like to be real about these things lol!
IR Dating E-Book
In spite of all the "mammys" and their enablers, ya'll got the drop on'em!! They can run, but they can't hide-LOL.
Keep up the good work Sara.
Merry Christmas everyone.
sorry to say but thats I dont have too many bw friends. God forbid if your critical of today's crop of bm, everybody is ready to call you a "sell out". The bc is notorious for having "head in sand" mentality. sad
Unfortunately, I see a LOT of these types on blogs like this.
I was just reading the comments under Classical One's latest post.
One girl expressed her opinion and they attacked her relentlessly. Now, I would've moved on but it got real personal and ugly. She ended up leaving the blog.
You can criticize BM at all or BW will JUMP on you. I seriously doubt the IR sites for BM express have this kind of devotion to BW.
Anyway, I'd rather read about BW/WM (non-BM) issues. After all, why would a white/other man be attracted to a woman whose focus is elsewhere?
This is absolutely a true case of a black woman who will be alone in her 40+ years, because of this attitude. I have bw friends that are like this and I feel so sorry for their fate, their going to end up just like their mommy's, alone, wore down, broke down and defeated lol! As a 27yr old I have realized years ago when I had my son at 20 (he is bi-racial/Hispanic) that even if you date a man from another race it may not work with that particular person. This was the case with my child's father we split when my son was 2, but believe this I don't regret the experience he was the first non-black man I dated and I'm thatnkful for that, because I too had this idot mammie mentality. I will say I don't have any regrets being with my child's father, he was a great guy while it lasted, but the experience I had dating bm I truly regret being with any of them and it wasn't all good while it lasted, feel my dift lol... I'm going to school to pursue a PharmD degree and boy is it hard, I work fulltime also and take care of my 7 yr old all on my own, so to even think I would go through the motions with a bm like I did in my teens can cause a mild stroke lol... I do not desire bm and who knows if I was to meet one (unlikely) with the qualities of the non-bm I've previously dated I may give them a try again, but I'm to caught up on the feeling of being appreciated for my chocholate silky skin, big lips, weaves and my natural afro hair. These type of mammies will realize hopefully one day that bm are not our men, it should be a man who loves and respects us for our strengths and distinctions, etc. When they finally wake up it will be BITTER SWEET, like my awakening was, I couldn't believe that a non-bm could appreciate and adore me and feel my pain unlike the bm I dated. The bm made it worse I was always angry and fussing, but I noticed when I dated out I was calm and collective. This truly was bitter sweet. I'm a very stylish person and I like my weaves, my natural and sometimes even wearing contacts, but I grew out of the contacts a bit lol... this does not mean I want to look white are mixed I like different looks with my bold features I'm so tired of that uneducated excuse also, because bw who wear weaves are not trying to be anyone else but themselves in most cases. It's funny because I have a cousin who is married to a bm and he is a Pharmacist, but she has all types of issues with him (poor thing) He doesn't talk to her, he doesn't let out his emotions and she is unable to mention anything about finances with him, what! She blames this on his hardship and the way he was and still is treated by society lol.... What a bunch of bull, but I stand firm with letting her no it's only most bm that carry the "feel sorry for me so excuse my behavior" attitude . Every chance she gets she wants to try and introduce me to a bm, but baby, this is not my cup of tea anymore. There is nothing she can do I don't desire to live like her or my other pro-black bw friends. They are truly suffering inside and act as if it doesn't show, so what these mammies do is try to insult bw like us on these sites, because they haven't built up any type of courage or self-esteem to date out the box, so sad lol... what the mammies don't realize is their not changing us, we have accepted finding someone that will "appreciate us" something a bm can not understand.
My advice to all the mammies WAKE UP, before it is to late, stop fearing extinction you are a bw.
Check out this angry bm on youtube lol........pay very close attention on what he is saying.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFt0f9UH4_8
Peace and love and good health!
Kenya,
I agree. Classical One’s blog has become pretty cut throat and is not a friendly environment at all. For this reason I usually lurk but not post. Say something someone does not agree with and some of the posters will tear you a new asshole. BW do this online as well as in real life. I did not agree with what the poster that left was saying, but I think she has simply been hurt by black men in the past and she deals with this pain by not thinking highly of black men and refusing to date them. Also she’s young. For women much older than her to jump on her like that…all I can say is wow. They could have told her nicely that white men aren’t perfect either and that all people regardless of race have their flaws. I know the poster posted seminude pictures in her avatar and criticized black women and posted other things that many didn’t like but she still didn’t deserve that treatment. I sensed pain and anger in her posts and I only wish the best for her and hope she one day overcomes whatever has hurt her.
Kenya said,
“I seriously doubt the IR sites for BM express have this kind of devotion to BW.”
You got that right. If someone typed something bad about bw on those sites you would get a billion cosigns… Bw tend to be so loyal to our race, but black men don’t feel the same.
Happy Holidays, Sara!
I agree with what the other posters are expressing. Halima had a similar post about this and then the irony on C1's blog occurred. I read the other blog post that started this war with the female poster BrownCutie. She made some caustic statements about bw and the bw posters were still pretty cordial to her and only one bw really took her to task in the most articulate and calm manner. When BC unleashed her fury on bm then the claws came out in full force. I don't understand why they decided to destroy her all of a sudden when she previously exhibited this type of aggression. I feel so many bw have a knee-jerk reaction to come to bm's defense like they need to be saved since the outside world doesn't give them a fair shake. I'm really trying to understand it and I don't think it's merely because they have good black men in their immediate family. Something else is going on at work. It would be in C1's interest to close that particular blog post and not allow anymore comments before it really gets out of hand.
Hello everyone I love all the post and it's nice to see bw like you Sara trying to reach out to us sistas, I hope to meet bw like on this site to go out with i seem to only have mammie friends and i'm tired of their stupid asses. But, one thing I wanted to comment on is the honorable Mrs. Joy Lascellas doesn't look to happy in the picture posted I feel she maybe getting treated horribly, does anyone else see this also? hopefully it's not the case and only the case of the paparazzi.
Peace, love and good health!
I read a little bit of what was going on with browncutie on C1's blog and I was horrified at the treatment she was getting! I also felt alot of pain and anger for past maltreatment(possibly) she seemed to feel. I was really shocked that it was allowed to continue! Hardly anyone came to her rescue. I became so angry I promptly left. If this has been her experience and she needed to get it off of her chest, who the hell are they to attack her. I DARE THEM TO TRY TO ATTACK MY READERS LIKE THAT!!!
I'm not totally sold on the fact that some of those BW where (now they're saying) defending their fathers,brothers,uncles etc...I think they where defending BM as a group. I realize some of those women are foreign so some of the DBR bm talk may not apply to their culture of bm. I have nothing against them but some of them have to understand that alot of these blogs are directed towards AA women who are more likely in the need to have these types of messages that these blogs supply. For reasons that have been mentioned before AA women are less likely to date/marry out than any other race/culture of women including foreign born bw.
Hey SBW:
Thought it was just me! I've looked at that picture several dozen times and I can't decide if she's mad or uncomfortable at where she is or at having her picture taken, BUT there is definitely something going on with her. And she's such a pretty woman too!
I have also noticed the "shift" in mood over at C-1's. I used to comment fairly often, but just didn't like the drift of the convo, so I just lurk now. I think it sorta dates back to the Kola Boof thing, but that could just be me.
Also, I can definitely relate to the mindset that a lot of BW 40 and over have, it is tough to break through the layers of resistance. I'm in my 50's and NC has proven to be hard to find any BW in that age range who are not firmly set against dating out. Even the online sites that are geared toward IR's have a lot of women who are OK with the "idea" of IR's, but not OK with actually becoming involved in one-smh. I'm not discouraged, but it does get a little frustrating sometimes.
Can someone feel me in on what's going on and where to find this outraging blog, so I can read it for myself. I think I've missed something??
I just read the blog again and it’s nice how Evia came to Browncutie’s defense. I hope she really didn’t leave. Also I agree with the poster that said these women were originally defending all black men but now since people pointed out their mammy behavior, they want to pretend as if they were just defending their fathers, brothers, etc.
Why can’t a black woman express her hurt, pain, and anger about the way things are? We’re human, too. We are expected to be these “strong black women” that are just content with anything. Black women aren’t allowed to cry, verbalize anger, or any other negative emotion about the way things are without being hushed. Instead of attacking Browncutie for her views, why not ask her instead about the role of her own father in her life and about her past hurts. From reading her posts it’s obvious she’s upset. And to call her a “ho” just for posting her pictures…wow. I disagree with posting seminude pictures, but why call her such names? She’s only 21 and at least she's trying to feel good about herself. Black women are so intent on tearing each other down and this is sad because all we have is each other.
Did you guys read this post by Black man?:
"Hey White guy,
This is why you white men will always come in last place with our black women.
Our black women love us to death, and will fight any one who talks down about us black men.
Funny thing sho nuff to see a black man winning with his black women on a "white men for black women" blog.
Love you queens."
Black men know what they’re doing. The black community really has a way of keeping black women in their place. I don’t think you should put your own race down, but I wouldn’t be so adamant about defending black men either. Let them fend for themselves; they’re men after all.
I frequent websites, black, white, and ir, in which black women are constantly put down and no one, not even black men, come to our defense. I’ve been on sites in which black women were being put down by racist nonblacks and white women and black men even cosigned. I’ve had black men in real life put me down and other black women down in front of other races. So I refuse to defend black men, but I refrain from putting them down either. I just leave them alone and go about my life. I agree with Evia about letting go of the anger. I can’t be mad/hate at black men or racist nonblacks that hate me for the color of my skin. They’ll simply go on with their lives while I suffer from the adverse effects of anger (i.e., high blood pressure, obesity, depression, etc.). Black women need to try to let go of their pain and live. Have you noticed black men don’t appear to be carrying around nearly as much of the baggage that many of us carry around?
SBW
the post everyone is referring to is the current one on Classical Ones blog right now. If you look on my sidebar, he is under white men who love black women. I am shocked that these women would go to such great lenghs to torment, harrass and damn near theaten this young lady with near impungnity. I am also shocked (guess I should not be) that they would so ardently defend BM, who for the most part would not spit on them if they were on fire! I'm sorry but I am not a damn fool, and I don't give a damn about anyone who makes it clear that they don't give a damn about me! That's pure stupidity to me. People can bad-mouth BW all day and BM will jump in and co-sign, rarely will they ever come to our defense. In fact they're favorite pastime seems to be how much pain can I cause this fool who is stupid enough to still be in my corner, no matter how bad I treat her.... Just crazy to me This is the type of knee-jerk reactionary thinking I am trying to get BW to wake up from!!! No matter what, Never love someone who doe's not love you back, and 2 stop jumping into the fray to defend an (alledged) man. He is supposed to defend himself-that is what a man DOES!!! No wonder most of the 'men' in the BC are little punk-ass boys hiding behind their momma's skirt. They've never been expected to be men, so how could they know how.....
Sara
One thing i have observed with bw is that a majority have to go to an extreme in their anger at bm (primal scream) at the pain they have experinced, before they finally come back to a moderate position. This is mostly because it has been suppressed and denied by the wider black community for so long, an eruption is necessary for them to expel feelings that would otherwise eat them up. thats why my blog remains a place were i dont allow folks to police bw into being sensible. even wm come on my blog to require me to calm bw and make them behave 'reasonably'. i tend to ignore them because they are outside looking in, and dont understand the psychology behind why bw need to vent and not be 'reasonable' at this point in time.
if you prevent/truncate this process, you will end up with bw who continue to be unsettled and are unable to move on. in fact suppressing this process will result in a type of bw who folks are hoping to prevent; bw who snap and end up hating black folk! Indeed we often see the 'eruption as a permanant state' instead of recognising it is a way for bw to restore their equamity and level headedness!
but since the whole idea of anger at black folk is built up as a cardinal sin, the reaction to bw venting, is quick and knee jerk. many bw are seriously scared and afriad to see bw give in to this process because they have been conditioned to see this as the worse transgression and disloyalty ever. So they rush out with their pillows and fire blankets to suppress/curse bw back to the 'sensible' position on things.
sadly bw are currently not allowed the space to do this in many stream black culture, and thus you will continue to see this unsettledness/inability to move on because i repat it is actually when bw are given space to give free reign to this pent up anger and bitterness at at bm that they wil enventually become moderates in their views.
indeed what is the worse a bw can say about bm. the truth is that bw are as a rule sensible in fact they dont make folk as sensible as bw, therefore we can trust that a bw who expresses anger will calm down and become level headed. we need to ask ourselves what are we really afraid of.
During a season of goodwill i was expecting something better from fellow bw sadly on C1's blog it isnt the case!
IR Dating E-Book
you broke that down very well halima, We are constantly suppressed and it seems the mammy patrol is on constant vigil. That is also why I will not allow anyone to come to my blog and tell BW they can't say this or can't say that... They can say whatever the hell they feel or need to say! Like I have said before I do not allow my discussions to be hijacked, not externally or internally. And also like I have said before it is stupid to so ardently defend BM, most of whom despise us and many of whom are not worth the pot they piss in! Are these women blind? The more anti-social, dangerous, and criminally-inclined these men become, the more they seem to cling to them! I guess there really is a sucker born every minute....But honey I ain't her! my eyes are wide open -not Wide Shut!
Halima & Sara:
I have been discussing the "venting" aspect of IR blogs with a friend just this week. I think that along with educating, helping and encouraging, one of the greatest services, if you will, that the blogs provide is the type of emotional catharsis you were describing, where bw can express fully their frustration, hurt and anger at how they have been portrayed and treated. It is, as Halima points out, an integral and important part of the healing process that must take place before these women can move on. It is absolutely paramount that there be a place where the pent up emotions can be expressed without the usual criticism, correction and coercion to conform. There must be an overwhelming sense that "it's okay" to say these things out loud that have been kept inside for so long and to discover that others have experienced the same in their own lives and have been able to ultimately free themselves from these burdens and move on with their live from a renewed perspective. Metaphorically speaking, the old idea that you can't make an omlete without breaking a few eggs applies in this case. And as those of us who cook know, sometimes breaking eggs can get a little messy.
I really do think that it is fear on the part of those who have been able to control BW for such a long period that drives the vitriolic responses that we see on some of the blogs. It just won't be as easy to keep BW in the box when they renew their thinking, and some folks just don't want this to happen and will go to any lengths to see that it doesn't. And while I have been characterized by some of the trolls that slither around the IR blogs as "one of the few white guys who hang out and comment", I understand the emotional and psychological mechanisms that are involved in "getting through" this stage for BW, and it is time for that to happen ladies. IT IS TIME.
As usual Sara, Halima, great work.
In the "controversy" over on C1's blog I replied:
"tbt said:
"I suspect for her and women like her, sticking only to black men seems like walking through a bush of thorns trying to find the rose. With 'other' men it is like walking through a bush of roses trying to avoid the thorns. I'm not saying this is an acceptable metaphor, but it seems to mirror the mentality."
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I agree with this statement. I often don't "get" browncutie, but I suspect this is a good analogy to demonstrate her stance.
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Yan -
I understand your outrage. I too have bm family members who are awesome and in no way fulfill the stereotypes. However, BC is speaking from her own place. Harsh, yes...but some of what she says can be seen in the behaviors of SOME..but certainly NOT all bm. I'm not into painting everyone with a broad brush as each person is ofcourse an individual first.
Just my 2 cents.
pinky"
December 21, 2007 6:52 AM
___________________________________
Does my response make me a mammy ? Honestly seeking feedback here. I don't think it does..but I'm just asking.
Anyhoo...I have grown weary of this continued argument with bw over "ALL" vs. "SOME" DBRbm.
I was under the impression that intelligent people knew that "ALL" is a general term and in no way means an entire population of people. I get sick of trying to "defend" myself and my views by having to caveat everything with "ofcourse, not ALL."
In 2008, I'm thinking I'm going to become a Dangerous Black Woman (thanks to WAOD for that.) Dangerous in the sense that I'm going to go about my business being pro-bw...ride or die for bw who want to join me and get out of their boxes. Period. Cyber-thugs..both male AND female, beware..lol.
pinky
i agree with what people here are saying about the craziness that went down over at classical one's blog.
and you're damn right that most BM on message boards/blogs/anywhere basically would NOT come to the defense of BW the same way they did over at C1's blog. i see it almost everyday; anytime someone starts to badmouth BW, most BM jump in and co-sign.
also the people who attacked Browncutie, the same people who said they were defending their 'brothers/fathers'...if they are truly 'men', then they wouldn't need to be constantly defended like that...only children need to be watched over with such vitality.
First off, Merry Christmas Sara! I hope you are having a wonderful holiday season.
This is exactly the reason why I no longer post over at C-1's blog. I sent him a private response to one of his previous posts because I didn't want it to ruin the conversation on the blog with bw jumping on me for not answering how they think I should. No response from C-1 on my post (no surprise) and his moderation skills need work. I cannot stand most of his readers/ posters and the only ones who make any damn sense are Siditty or Seattle Slim. Of course, Evia does too but, she rarely posts. The age of the poster/readers has a lot to do with it, I think. I'm also put off by the superiority complexes of the bw from 3rd world nations. LOL! Laughable, indeed.
I will not defend bm, I never have, I never will and that is why I prefer blogs like this one (Sara, you're fantastic and a real sista), Evia's, and Angry Black Cat. The bw haven't turned on each other on these blogs and the readers seem more mature/older. Thankfully, the collective bc wrote me off when I was a child. The damaged beyond repair bw and bm will probably continue to keep even good bw from mating in the future. If I was Grant, Arthur, Sangraneth, Dan, Dennis or any of the other white guys who read some of these blogs, I would run! FAR FAR away (although I believe Dan is married to a bw). The mammy mentality is beyond ridiculous and if they love bm so damn much, why don't they go on blogs they frequent and talk to them? OH, that's right! Because those damaged beyond repair "leroys" don't want to talk to them. Other than my family, bm mean less than nothing in my world. My maternal grandfather is the greatest man I've ever met, black or white and no one compares to him but, I'd never insult my grandfather by defending those negroes who could never, ever hope to be in his league(99.99999% of all bm). I want the best of my father and my grandfathers combined in a man and I've only seen white men with those traits. I recognized this early and it's helped me keep blacks out of my dating life. Truth? yes. Brutal? Maybe but, I don't give a good got-damn.
Hi BBK, I totally agree with you guys at the same time with me I respect everyone's viewpoint some of the things written on there were pointless I highly doubt if C1 cares though he seems like a very intelligent man, i'm sure he brused it all off. I wonder how he looks I bet good lol... :)
Hey Badblack:
Can't speak for the other guys you mentioned, but I'm in for the long haul, and it'll take a whole lot more than a few stupid posters to scare me off. Fact of the matter is, there are dummies on both sides of the aisle and I think that there is an invisible warning label that comes on IR's:"CAUTION, anyone entering into a IRR is advised to do his/her homework. If you do, the rewards are infinite. If you don't, you're gonna get your ass handed to you as a consolation prize. Choose wisely!"
badblackkitty you're my favorite commenter LOL. I too notice the superiorty complex that 3rd world BW often have. Just like the mammies, they have NOTHING to show for their actions/belifes. LOL
I dont even go to c-1's blog. Sometimes he himself says things that has me sratching my head and going WTF!?! Its totally out of control over there, he seriously needs to consider turning off the comments feature.
No one can comment on my blog. I want to be able to express MY experiences and MY observations without the mammy brigade defending their "black kangs". "Pathetic" doesnt even begin to describe those female.
"I dont even go to c-1's blog. Sometimes he himself says things that has me sratching my head and going WTF!?! "
Can't please everyone now can we?
"This is exactly the reason why I no longer post over at C-1's blog. I sent him a private response to one of his previous posts because I didn't want it to ruin the conversation on the blog with bw jumping on me for not answering how they think I should. No response from C-1 on my post (no surprise)
You know how many e mails I get? Send it again with a special headline and I'll answer, you think I'm some kind of a coward or something?
What Grant said.
As I sit here at the computer, somewhere out there is the woman I'm looking for, and she's sitting and thinking the same about me. We just have to find each other.
Arthur, I wanted to ask
how did it go with being focused on evia's blog as the guy of the month? Did you get alot of response? We're pulling for ya, and we would love to hear about your new lady(when you have her)
Also, I believe it is just a vocal minority jumping on that browncutie and eclat (who is extremely insightful and 'gets it').
As for the pictures, I could've cared less. She was in great shape.
honey I was raised by a black father as well, a very good one, yet I am not about the be a fool for a black man because my daddy was black. What the hell does that have to do with anything? My message to black women is simple. Look for the best man-period If you have confined yourself to black men, all I can say is good luck -you have effectively dropped your chances of finding a good man to almost nil, but more power to you...
Can't please everyone now can we?
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dude chill out, i never suggested that you should try to please everybody.
I'd rather be single than to have a white man stick his penis in me. I'm sorry. I was raised by a black father.
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dont worry you more than likely will LOL thats how BM typically reward your ilk ;)
grant,
glad to see you're coruageous enough to stick around and ita about the warning IRR label. lol!
black women first,
Thank you :) I think you're great too! I love your name and your commentary.
Anon/Mammy:
Good then. Stick to the "leroy tyrones". You're better off. What I'm really wondering is, if you're not interested in white men, why do you come here? To spread your mammy venom? In case you haven't noticed, the sistas here are enlightened. Why don't you go to black voices and preach to the choir?
sorry. I meant to say "courageous" enough to stick around.
Hey Badblack:
I think that was her/his assignment for today, to try and stir up a little dissension among the "brethern". I guess no one told her/him that it's a case of flailing against the wind with that kind of talk on this site, huh?
Angela: Yep, some folks are just plain dumber than a sack full of doorknobs with that "You can't do THAT because you're black" BS!!!
You know, it must really irritate the pure living crap out of some of them to know that there are a lot of BW out here who are enjoying life, trying new and different activities as well as seeking to find a "suitable" mate wherever and whomever they might be. Oh yeah, I bet they can hardly get to sleep knowing that some of ya'll done gone and escaped-LOL.
That is a very good question BBK
I wonder why she would feel the need to come here. I think I have been blatantly honest about message/ideology behind this blog. Why come here unless it's to stir up something?
Sweet Jeebus, I thought it was just me!! I am glad to see other bw resisting the pull of the mammies ideology.
The stuff that went down at C1's site was just foul. I have absolutely nothing against C1 himself, I enjoy his editorial pieces, I find them kinda subversive, which imo is a good thing. But lately, his board's been overtaken by rabid mammies. I don't care if these women are in IR, their mammitude is plain obvious when they will butcher a bw over her comments about bm.
And please don't be fooled by all the perfunctory drowling over wm celebrities they decided to do afterward. That's just meant to throw you off.
""Hey White guy,
This is why you white men will always come in last place with our black women.
Our black women love us to death, and will fight any one who talks down about us black men.
Funny thing sho nuff to see a black man winning with his black women on a "white men for black women" blog.
Love you queens."
This is truly disgusting. I pray that these men *go away* and burden some one else in the world. Makes me sick to see this.
"love black men, and just because I have bad experiences with them doesn't mean that I have to go to the other side. That's what the white society wants. They HATE black couples, so they will have us mingling with other races and being at war with one another. I'd rather be single than to have a white man stick his penis in me. I'm sorry. I was raised by a black father."
It's too bad our black men aren't exhibiting the same loyalty to us, isn't it? Apparently the writer of this comment hasn't been alone long enough. I'm in my 40's and want a serious relationship. But it seems every bm I meet doesn't want a relationship, just sex. I'm not saying that every bm is like that, but there are many who know they don't have to commmit to us because we as bw have historically given them everything they want without a commitment. The book of Isaiah in the Bible says "And in that day seven women shall take hold of one may, saying, 'We will eat our own food and wear our own apparel; Only let us be called by your name, to take away our reproach." As bw we have definitely reached that point in our relationships with bm and seen the devastation it has caused. More than anything in a relationship I want a man who VALUES me, and I want that for my black daughter as well. I believe all black women deserve it. The Bible also says the last shall be first. We black women have been last for so long, it's our time to be cherished and desired in the same way as other women have been for centuries. And I for one don't care what race the man is who loves me - as long as he truly loves me and is responsible, shares my values and believes in the commitment of marriage.
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