Oh, we really want a BM? -Speak for yourself MAMMY!!!
La Kietha with hubby and children
I want you all to listen to the comments made by this woman!
Now she who calls herself kola boof,(do not know if it is the same one or not) She explains the dramatic increase in BW/WM by implying that BW are desperate, unhappy, 2nd rate and "Settling" for white men. I for one an appalled and upset by her remarks because, once again she is catering to the ego of the BM instead of trying to get to the real issues. Read the following remarks and then we'll talk.....
I disagree Rustang. Black women OVERWHELMINGLY desire and want black men. But those Black men who have A JOB, decent values and are good men.......MOST OFTEN will not marry a Black woman is not very light skinned.....and increasingly.....will not even marry a light black woman. And a lot of men like yourself seem to be in denial about that-----although RIGHT NOW every time a successful black man is shown on t.v. or in a magazine---he's usually chosen a Non-black woman. After 100 years of color coding....going back to the 1920's... how can we continue to deny it? MOST black women are in no position to turn down any man. Which is why they're so JUSTIFIABLY angry. We harp on the White Man's racism---but Black men are no different towards black females. Complete "stereotypes" and all.
Now, I am not referring to her SO TRUE remarks about BM and their stupid colorism, I have no issue on that point because it is unfortunately true, What I am referring to is that she is insinuating that BW are only dating white men in response to the fact that they cannot GET a BM! This is complete BULLSHIT! And how dare her once again, try to tell us that what we really want is a black man. Many women have ALWAYS wanted a white man or were at least wanted to date one, but were stymied and blocked by the BC. I get so tired of people acting like every race on earth has the right to their INDIVIDUAL choices except black women! Do we all like chicken, -no some of us hate it. Do we all dance well, -no some of us cannot dance at all, and do we all want a black man-no some of us simply want the RIGHT man regardless of his color, and some of us are no more interested in BM than we are in getting a root canal, ie not interested at all, either because we have a preference for something else, or because some of us have simply experienced too much damaged behavior from BM. How dare her say we are not in position to turn down any man! It is ignorant statements like this that make my blood boil! Once again, we are being portrayed as DESPERATE, NEEDY, ANGRY, losers by this lady! Now she may encompass all of these qualities, I am not sure, but she needs to speak for herself. When I look at sistas, most of the time, I see beautiful, intelligent, ambitious women striving to better themselves and their communities. Women who are finally able to see that they deserve better, better love, happier children, loving husbands, better lives.... I don't see black women stepping out of the box because we are angry, pessimistic, desperate women, tired of running after black men. No fool, that's not why there is such an exploding increase in BW/WM. The reason is because we are finally realizing that we are sexy, beautiful, amazing and sought-after women who can have ANYONE WE WANT. SO WHY DISCRIMINATE, BASED ON COLOR -WHY NOT SIMPLY CHOOSE THE BEST MAN REGARDLESS OF WHAT COLOR HE COMES IN!!!!
posted by Taylor-Sara @ 1:55 AM
25 Comments
25 Comments:
I think that responding to Kola's comments are a waste of time. I am not offended and there is some truth to it. I am a BW who may have been seen a couple of attractive WM from time to time but my focus had always been on BM all my life. A lot of what she says is true. Although there are some BW who have always been exclusively attracted to WM, the majority have always been loyal and attracted to BM. There are a lot of BW who actually want BM but it just was not going to happen. When BM have anything going for them they want white or Asian first, bi-racial 2nd and 3rd light skinned black women. A lot of the WW that go for BM have been rejected by WM. Most of the time they are White trash. The BW being rejected by BM are not trash. They are educated and accomplished. They are just not the right skin color and that has to do with status. Because BM do not have power like WM or even other races of men, their woman is their power. Their woman determines (in their mind) their social status. So if people say that now I want a WM because I could not get a BM, I dont give a damn...as long as I am happy. I am attractive, intelligent, with a Master's Degree. I am not overweight, ghetto or loud. I am nobody's leftovers. I will not waste my time to argue that point or defend my choices to anyone. Regardless of whether BM are rejecting us or not, everyone has to admit that BW got it going on. Other groups of men will get to benefit from that. I dont worry about responding to every little comment as long as I am confident in myself.
This is a post that I read by a black male recently:
One of the main reasons why many black women have given up on black men and are angry is because black men do not desire them. Black men do not want black women this is a hurtful truth. Black men have been programed by the media whether it is Vogue, Glamour, or even BET to follow a white standard of beauty. Black men have been told by way of mass media that white women are what is beautiful and special. In todays society a womans beauty represents a statement of power for men so many black men are dating white women a symbol of power, status, and beauty. Many black men today feel guilty about dating white women because it is so obvious that they have developed a form of self hate, so many try to disguise it by dating any woman who is none black whether it be Latina or Asian(Tikki Barber Syndrome)......if these men can not get a Latina or Asian woman they finally turn to the light skin black woman as a form of status. A dark skin or brown skin woman no matter how beautiful is not viewed as such by black men because they have been educated by a mass media mainly controlled by white men to not view them as such. I find that the black womans desire for a white man(Something New) is not organic.....I repeat it is not organic it is nothing for white men to be proud of, many of these black women are settling when they date white men because what they really desire is a black man the sad fact is many black men do not desire them. Black women and black men seem to have lots of intra racial hatered towards each other and the cause of the problem can be found in history. By studing history we can also find the answer.
While it is true that most sistas have always prefer BM, pandora's box has been opened. Brothers dont like it. There are some hot white men out there. Like Eddie Murphy said "I prefer black women but I would take Brooke Shields over Oprah". Black women feel the same. We will take a good man over any man. A hot guy is a hot guy. We would take Brad Pitt over Spike Lee. We would take Matthew McConahy over Forrest Whitaker. Yes, we love the brothers but dont get it twisted.
BW have been hit from all angles, white community, black community, black men, black church, and the latest confirmed in your last post, ww.
Some bw have been in a war and didn’t even know it until it was over and are probably suffering from post traumatic black community disorder.
What I seen in the response was someone struggling to find her place, but not sure where to go. So, she will just settle for less than she deserves or go back to the familiar bm whether the situation is good for her or not, after all it is familiar.
I don't agree with either of you but I respect your opinions. If you read about Kola's background, I think you'd at least see why she thinks this way. She is Somali and Egyptian, raised in Sudan. She was also a victim of infibulation, the most severe form of female genital mutilation where everything is removed and the labia majora are sewn up. That is the only thing people seem to agree on. She also claims to be the mistress (though as she tells it, I'd say "sex slave" or "rape victim") of Osama Bin Laden.
Her life has been very different from that of black Americans yet she applies her perceptions of black identity in North Africa and the Middle East to black Americans. If someone has strong convictions despite limited knowledge of a topic, trying to tell them otherwise is a waste of breath. If that statement came from a black American, I would think differently of it. She herself is biracial and she spent a good chunk of time in an area where there was a great deal of conflict between blacks and Arabs.
YAY! Thank you for responding to the "bw only want a bm" propaganda.
In my case, I always thought white men only wanted white women. I had crushes on white guys but the notion of dating one was like science fiction. It was only when I started working in corporate offices that I got some attention from white men (although many of them were still too afraid to ask me out, they were very flirty--and of course admitted later that they had a crush.) I was so pleasantly surprised.
Anyway, not ALL of any ethnicity want the same thing.
I too hate when one person tries to speak for us all. I basically want a GOOD MAN. He could be of any race. It doesn't matter & shouldn't matter. What matters is how he treats me. I won't let anyone limit my choices in the game of love.
Anon, I see your point, but once again you can only speak from your own experience. as can the rest of us. Just because many BW would not step out of the box, DOES NOT MEAN THEY DON'T WANT TO -IT COULD BE BECAUSE THEY ARE TERRIFIED OF INCURRING THE WRATH OF THE BC! So to say that most BW want BM, I do not think is true. I think most BW want a good man, and they are finally ready to accept that they deserve one...
Taylor-Sara,
I agree with your comment. I think the notion that BW REALLY want BM is stated is because it is said in round table discussions between BW and some may not admit to wanting to go outside the box. It is sort of like going along with the flow even though, you may disagree. These women may not want to be seen as different. But you never know, the whole group at some roundtable discussion may actually be thinking along the same lines of "going out", but afraid to speak it! It has become a TRADITION of sorts to have roundtable discussions about BW wanting BM. Some are afraid to break that tradition.
But this is why these blogs exist. I am very happy about that.
Sara, Evia, Halima,CW, C-1,PVW and et all..I can't name them all. But thank you,thank you. I was inspired to start my own!! The more the merrier. And Proof that BW do DESIRE better.
Anon, I see your point, but once again you can only speak from your own experience. as can the rest of us. Just because many BW would not step out of the box, DOES NOT MEAN THEY DON'T WANT TO -IT COULD BE BECAUSE THEY ARE TERRIFIED OF INCURRING THE WRATH OF THE BC! So to say that most BW want BM, I do not think is true. I think most BW want a good man, and they are finally ready to accept that they deserve one...
Anon says:
Sara, I see where you are coming from. I do agree some women may have wanted to but were too scared to step out of the box. That really has been a concern of mine...the backlash from the bc. You blog (as well as others) have helped me put my fears and guilt into perspective. I thank you for that and you guys are actually changing BW lives! You guys really break it down! I think that BM give themselves too much credit when they say that BW with WM still want a BM. I mean at that point they are holding themselves up to Godlike status. A woman can fall in love with anyone who treats her well. How sick can brothers be that they are upset that sisters are dating WM? You can go out on a saturday night in any large Metropolitan City and see nothing but black women hanging out in groups while black men are coupled off with WW. I have decided that I will not even discuss with any BM my choice. I just wont. And now all of a sudden they are spending all of this time sitting around and analyzing why we are dating WM. Pisses me off!
"post traumatic black community disorder"
I love that...do you mind if I use it ?
It is SO on-point.
pinky
I disagree Rustang. Black women OVERWHELMINGLY desire and want black men.
First of all she's only speaking for those who do. She has not done an international survey of what and who black women desire therefore she is OVERWHELMINGLY being both dishonest and ignorant.
AA black women (who have been overwhelmingly brain washed to a large degree by the black community) DO NOT speak for ALL black women in this world.
They do NOT speak for BW in Latin America or Europe for sure. Because black and half black women there have a strong preference for IR relationships.
Again, often individual blacks (women AND men) tend to over-generalize their PERSONAL opinions and preferences.
But those Black men who have A JOB, decent values and are good men.......MOST OFTEN will not marry a Black woman is not very light skinned.....and increasingly.....will not even marry a light black woman. And a lot of men like yourself seem to be in denial about that-----although RIGHT NOW every time a successful black man is shown on t.v. or in a magazine---he's usually chosen a Non-black woman. After 100 years of color coding....going back to the 1920's... how can we continue to deny it?
This is true. However why in the Hell is this woman so caught up on what black men do and don't do? This woman needs to cut the purely emotional and non existent umbilical cord she has with black men. Because in some ways, she seems almost obsessed with their behavior.
MOST black women are in no position to turn down any man. Which is why they're so JUSTIFIABLY angry.
THIS IS PURE BULL SH*T! ANY BW who actually HAS a good man (white, black, or other) turned down/refused to get involved with PLENTY of dudes.
It takes TIME (and criteria) to find Mr. Right. And you HAVE to be choosy! Most BW are in the lot they're in because they often DON'T have high enough standards.
Kola reeks of desperation in her tone. And any black woman so obviously desperate that she actually feels she can't turn down any man, will STAY either single, or in abusive "relationships" continually. Because desperate women end up either alone, or being used and abused.
We harp on the White Man's racism---but Black men are no different towards black females. Complete "stereotypes" and all.
Girlfriends not telling the complete story. When it comes to men actually appreciating BW. Your average WM who loves BW isn't racist or stereotype thinking AT ALL. Unlike many if not most BM who most certainly have a "color-coded" version of "love" when it comes to BW.
Kola needs to get real. Most WM interested in BW come out on TOP in ALL respects and are much better suited (on all counts) for attractive, high self-esteemed BW than your average BM.
Hands down.
And Kola knows this. But in her mind she can't get over the "unfairness" of it all. WW, AW, HW, etc... don't have the same extremely high number of DBR men in their communities.
It may not be "fair", but as long as a BW makes sure she's not a statistic why obsess over it?
It doesn't change a damn thing. But it DOES keep BW b*tching and moaning over all the DBRBM look pathetic and masochistic to everyone else.
Again, Kola and her ilk don't speak for me. And don't speak for a LOT of BW internationally speaking.
Kola Boof is off her camel. I would take what she says with a grain of sand.
Girlfriends not telling the complete story. When it comes to men actually appreciating BW. Your average WM who loves BW isn't racist or stereotype thinking AT ALL. Unlike many if not most BM who most certainly have a "color-coded" version of "love" when it comes to BW.
To Anonymous:
I have to disagree with you. Some of the WM who date BW are racist and do stereotype especially when they are not really familiar with the black community and have not been exposed to the diversity within the BC. They think that that one black person that they are involved with is "different" from the rest of them. I know because I had a conversation with one the other day. He loves BW but is indeed a racist. He would help a BW out careerwise but he makes some not so cool comments that tells who he really is. That is why I could not be with him. Then you have really nice WM involved with BW that are not like that. You have all kinds. Please do not think that all WM or WW that date blacks are not racist because in fact a lot of them are. You just have to look at whites as individuals. One thing that I like about WM is that they do like dark skin much more than BM. When rich WM marry BM, they mark dark skinned sisters a lot. Which is more than I can say for rich BM.
You must have misunderstood me anon responding to me.
How can a WM harboring racist feelings deep down ever TRULY appreciate a BW? He can't. The truth will eventually come out. It always does.
Sure, some WM think certain BW are "different" (unlike "most Negro's") and would like to f*ck a BW yet not marry her, father her children and bring her home to mama. Just like legions of BM treat BW.
I was only referring to WM who TRULY appreciate (and love) BW. And a racist can't do that.
I do see where you're coming from though and especially agree with this statement.
"You just have to look at whites as individuals. One thing that I like about WM is that they do like dark skin much more than BM. When rich WM marry BM, they mark dark skinned sisters a lot. Which is more than I can say for rich BM."
I hear you there!
Sara Taylor, if you'll please allow me, but there's something that I need to BREAKDOWN before we continue on with this conversation.
""""THE BC, BW & BM and their relation to POWER."""
First, lets start with TRUTH.
T1.
It has been stated by many influentials that our community is a reflection of what is going on in the greater society around us--meaning/example, this problem w/there being more educated woman then men in the BC (7/1) is reflected throughout the whole college with woman outnumbering men at some universities now (5/3.) It has also be estimated that in five years woman will outnumber men -surprise-7/1.
T2.
We're women, and we here can truthfully say that when it comes to men, "We will take a good man over any man." That is because as women, we know that woman has been blessed/cursed (lol) with the ability to actually see into the hearts of those around us. Call it a sixth sense, call it 'woman's intuition,' call it whatever; the truth still remains-If a woman LOOOOVES her man, it's because she sees him as he is and for who is.
Now some reality...
R1.
POWER, at this present time, the concept of power being restructured on every level-meaning, THE OLD RULES ARE STILL THERE---BUT THE REALITY IS THEY NO LONGER APPLY. Look at the world around you and notice that super powers then are not super powers now, what was not considerable then is unrecognized normality now especially...
R2.
THE RELATIONS BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN. Looking at the BC in the US, Europe and Africa, the same dynamics that are here are happen there in that BW are finally recognizing their power. What they bring to the marriages=wealth, what they bring to their communities, and what place they have in the world.
Why I started with those is because if anything, we now need to be HONEST with ourselves, our realities and our future. The BF movement, it's being touted, so let's start off with honesty about attraction: OF COURSE YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO BM.
If anything, a majority are attracted to something that we believe resembles ourselves, something we believe we're lacking, or something we wished we had or were.
BUT, the 'excuse' that BM are attracted to WW because TV and Magazines told him is complete BS. If that were true, BW would only be attracted to WM, and there would be no need for these blogs. So when it comes right down to it, despite there being a plentiful selection of more the eligible BW for the BM to choose from, HE CHOSES WW-my message to you ladies then is, THEN DON'T SWEAT IT.
I say, let it just roll off your back, and KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, because the answer is look at the woman he chose to take by his side-REALLY LOOK AT HER.
In most of these BM/WW relationships we are looking at is NOT a BM taking a WW to attain power, we are looking at a BM taking a WW to have POWER OVER HER. (TELL IF I'M LYING)
And this is where you, BW, need to just brush that BS off your shoulders, out ya mind, and off your backs because I ask you-DID YOU WANT A BOY OR DO WANT A MAN?
If there is any credit/props I could give WM (especially those who date IRly) is he quick to recognize an EQUAL when he sees one. What makes him a man or boy, is then considering IF I CAN GET THIS "WOMAN" TO LOVE ONLY ME, IT WILL BE THE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT OF MY LIFE! Finding a WOMAN makes him a MAN and GIVES HIM POWER--THE REAL KIND.
The best example I can give is:
Why is that though the Master of the house had a perfectly good and 'beautiful' wife, he would sleep with the house slave? I mean, considering that the WW had the BW to cook & clean & raise her children & run her home. WHAT would make him leave her upstairs, come down to the kitchen and 'tussle' with his slave on the floor? Considering the fact the BW and the WM had been working all day to ensure that the WW had nothing to do, yearn for or need? (LOL)
BW, be honest with yourselves, and realize your POWER as women--The LOVE of women enables men! Look in history and you will see that men have moved mountains because they were LOVED, so I ask you BW-You beautiful, educated, empowered, driven BW-DO YOU WANT A BOY OR A MAN?
I don't know about you, but boys are only fun to play with, I settle for nothing less then a MAN, regardless of skin color/race/nationality/ethnicity. I can't even imagine 'submitting' to someone I don't respect and I DON'T stroke the egos of men who can not stroke mine because I know my POWER, my worth and ability, but more importantly--in this new world formulating around us all now--I, A WOMAN, need/want/desire a MAN of equal quality.
LAMO @ OSAMA BIN LADIN!!!!!!!
Amen to that sister!
Shirl(2)
Regarding the woman in the post Sara-Taylor has described.
This woman is coming from such a place of sadness, despair and anger, it is just too much! This sort of attitude is what leads to desperation and craziness!
She is operating from a position of lack---there are no black men, I have to be with a black man, so I have to take what I can get, etc.
I was thinking of this in light of some white women's response to black women. Yes, some of them are racist, even though they are married to black men.
Others though, might be hypersensitive to black women, due to the kind of black woman who goes crazy when she sees a black man with a white woman (the kind of black woman being talked about here): rolling the eyes, sucking the teeth, etc., all because they can't stay out of the personal lives of complete strangers!
But I know where the attitude is coming from--it's just sad! There are so many other men available, but they can't see that.
Once again, they operate from a position of "lack"-they're stealing our men, etc.
You are so right PVW, What a keen sense of perception you have! Anytime you operate from a position of lack, you will give off desparate, needy, repelling vibes that men can see/hear/smell a mile away...
The reason people keep saying this myth over and over again is fear. These individuals are afraid - terrified even. They are locked into their truth but not quite satisfied with it or their reality and that scares them and they are unwilling to question themselves and their lives. They know they are not happy and that what they are doing is not working - but more terrified to change. Questions are scary and seen as wrong or threatening. When a person has no choices and works from a position of lack - questions are dangerous - change is not seen as welcome. They keep telling this lie because it makes them feel better and allows them to continue to live in denial.
It gets old hearing this same tired refrain. It never changes because those folks won't change. The reality however is that the poision they are spreading is in the media because the seek the spotlight to make themselves feel better - whistling past the grave yard. Bad news sells. Bad news is these folks will always be around. She is speaker her own truth and gullible folks are taking it as gospel rather than think for themselves. Folks who want to believe this nonsense will. Folks who are open to thinking for themselves won't accept it blindly they seek their own truth based on experience.
Good news it is possible to control your life and separate it from them and their poision. Don't waste time or energy on these folks. It's not worth getting angry about. Their truth is not our truth. Live your truth, speak your truth. Actions speak louder than words. Those that are able to hear it will if they are women seeking a better way they will find it, if they are men interested dating women of quality then they will focus not on what they hear in the media - but what they see in action.
Men focus on actions. What you do matters most. Men talk smack all the time - what matters is not what you say it matters what you do. What you do - how you act and carry yourself and their experience of reality matters more. Talk is cheap. What happens the actions matter most. Walk the talk - live the truth - your truth! Be open! Be approachable. Be receptive and positive. Be about what matters to you. Be confident - own your power. That will drown out the media hype and hysteria. Quality men, quality people think for themselves and act in their own best interest and ignore the hype. Quality men interested in quality women open to relationships between people regardless of race will hear the message of your positive, self promoting actions in your own self interest. Focus on the prize ignore the clammoring crowd and noise - channel the anger at this poor - delusional soul and let it make the determination to achieve the goal stronger. This much resistance means the opposition is losing and running scared. Stay focused, stay strong - stay on your game!
V/r
Clarice
I'm really fascinated by this whole idea that an ENTIRE group of men could be "programmed" by the media and a few magazines to the point that they are unable to make informed decisions wihout this influence over-riding their own preferences!! I find it even harder to accept the idea that this guy really believes what he's saying.
If the "media" is truly in control of what I think of as beautiful, how is it that I think Venus and Sareena are babes, along with Queen Latifah, Whoopi and countless other BW who run the gamut from dark to light and back again? Oh, I know, that was the day I had my tin foil hat on with the anti-pre-programmed beauty attachment on it!! I knew when I bought it at BIG LOTS on sale it would come in handy-LOL.
"If the "media" is truly in control of what I think of as beautiful, how is it that I think Venus and Sareena are babes, along with Queen Latifah, Whoopi and countless other BW who run the gamut from dark to light and back again?"
I hear you Grant. You see, this rational is only supposed to apply to black men. Whenever I've ever heard it used, it's been in reference to black men. Which doesn't speak well of peoples perception of them. And if true in a large percentage of them, certainly doesn't speak well of black men themselves.
Kola Boof herself regularly refers to black men as Ni**ers. And her excuse is (of course), the White Man - and white media - taught them to be. So she basically accepts this notion of black men being weak, helpless, followers too.
My question is this. IF Kola - and a large number of black women - truly have such an apparently low opinion of black men generally speaking (by thinking of them as basically ni**ers controlled by "the man") than WHY are they carrying on and on about black men to begin with? Why do they CARE what they do or don't do?
If what Kola (and others) say is true, the opinion should be good riddance.
A damaged man is a damaged man. And if a damaged man happens to be black, that's no reason for black women to make excuses for the behavior. Or try to "understand".
They should be forgotten.
Instead of "analyzing" black women in healthy loving relationship with white and other non black men. Kola (and her kind) need to analyze themselves.
And ask themselves what their mourning. According to many of these black women black men have ALWAYS craved light, bright, and damn near white (and white) women.
If this is true, the fetish/colorism goes WAYYYY back.
So what's new? And why would a BW want a man like this anyway?
Seriously.
Anon. those are very good questions!
Pinky - yes, you can.
This did strike a chord with me. I am not a BM hater. I married a WM because no black man was interested in me except the really loud, ghetto types who were not in work and basically shouted after me in the street things like "wassup, babes?and "browning!" I didnt get them and they didnt get me.
I worked in quite a well paid and the BM there only considered me for sex I think.
They quickly lost interest or were rube when I didnt have sex with them.
I never really looked at WM since leaving school ( I liked them in school!!!! Just though they would never fancy me) But more and more started to ask me out and date and and then one proposed and we have been married 5 years.
There were times I regretted it and wished I had a nice black guy instead but lately I am seeing a lot of hate and venom towards BW from BM (you tube, forums) that I never knew existed and I am now really happy in my choice and if I ever divorced I would go for men full stop and not limit myself to BM.
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