Thursday, August 7, 2008

Love Lessons ...Setting the tone...

It's your job to realize that you are a goddess and then make sure he knows it as well.....

This is just a quick lesson and will only be up for 2 days. But this is for all the women who write, asking me how to set standards in a relationship. This is an example with answer at the end....
April finished dressing and stopped to admire herself in the mirror. Her dark skin glowed and her smile was bright. The dress fit perfect! All that running in the park was paying off. she was thrilled with the way her weight loss was coming along. She smiled happily at herself and headed downstairs. Keith, her date was expected at any moment and she did not want her family to give him the 3rd degree. Her sister Megan, set down her coffee cup and surveyed April.
"Don't you look n-i-c-e," she drawled. April grinned. "So this the first date huh. April nodded. She had been looking forward to going out with Keith since the first time she saw him in that football uniform. She was so excited, she felt slightly woozy.
Well, you look beautiful sis." Megan headed toward her and gave her a quick hug, then grabbed her in a playful headlock. "But I swear if your skin gets any smoother, I'll choke you to death! April yelped and wiggled free. Megan loved to play. She never seemed to realize how strong she was. April turned back to the mirror to smooth her hair. She too, had to admire her skin. It was coffee brown and smooth as molasses. Her mom was always telling her to enjoy youth and beauty while it lasted, and she intended to take that advice. A moment later, her mother, Beth, poked her head around the kitchen corner.

"What time that boy comin April?" standing there, hands on her hips, eyebrows furrowed in worry, she looked like an old picture of Aunt Jamima from days gone by. April suppressed a laugh. Megan looked from their mother back to April and giggled. "He's a-comin at 7:30 momma " Megan answered. making fun of their mother's improper speech.

Beth tried to look stern, but gave up when she realized her girls were laughing harder and went back into the kitchen to finish dinner. At 7"45 April was a tad annoyed. At 8 she was angry and at 8:15 she was angry, insulted and embarrassed. She stormed back upstairs and removed the dress she had spent a week's salary on, and threw it angrily on the floor. Then she got on the phone to a friend and made other plans...

By 8:45 April and her friend Tameka were at the bowling alley laughing it up and having a good time trying to make a strike. She had just settled in her seat, when her cell began to beep.

"Hello," she pouted, watching her perfectly aimed ball head toward the gutter. "where yu at?- I'm at ya, house-an you ain't even here!" April rolled her eyes. Tameka instantly knew who it was.
"Jay you were late- so basically I made other plans" Jay's breath came out in a whoosh. "look, sorry bout that, but I got caught up-I mean you understand stuff happin right-I'll pick yu up an-"
"Ah no, you won't April's voice was sweet, yet firm. " we had a date, you were late-I understand that, but the lack of curtesy I don't-you should have called. Now I'm doing something else, maybe we can do the movie another day"

The click of the phone and a dial tone was her only answer. April's mouth dropped open in shock. He had hung up on her! A minute later she was telling Tameka what happened. Tameka squinted at her.

"Why didn't you tell him to come here?" she asked. she truly looked puzzled. "Because I already made other plans" April answered snappily.
"But that's stupid!" Tameka protested. " yu gotta give a brotha a chance!" "Tameka, April said patiently "he was late without bothering to call and then hung up on me, I have nothing more to say to him!"
Tameka let the discussion drop but April could see that she was giving her strange looks from the side of her eye. A little while later, her phone beeped again. It was Jay. He told April he was giving her another chance and that she could leave the bowling alley right now and meet him down Delaney street by the club. April knew the street was dark and dangerous, she also knew even if it were a good street, she would not be going. This time the click of the phone was his answer.

Was April right or wrong? and why?


Answer:

April was right to go off and leave. You should never allow a man who is late the luxury of having you wait on him especially in the initial stages of courting.
The fact is you are setting the precedent. It is vitally important that you set the tone from the onset. The fact is that Jay is not the type of man to make April happy regardless, because she is not the type of woman to put up with disrespect. And he is very disrespectful. Lets go over the ways:

1. he was late and did not call

2. he became angry because she would not acquiesce to his demands

3. he had the audacity to call back and expect her to walk down a dark, scary street to meet someone who had just hung up on her!


Ladies, always set the tone in the beginning of your relationship in order to avoid alot of problems along the way. Will there still be problems? Of course, honey this is life not a soap opera, but you can alleviate or exaggerate alot of the relationship problems in the long haul simply by how you act at the beginning. The truth is YOU are teaching him how much he can get away with and whether you are a dream girl or a doormat simply by what you say/or don't say and how you act/ or don't act.
This is called, setting a precedent. and it is extremely important. Why? Because this is what he will come to expect. If you start the relationship off taking crap, he will give you more and more of it. Always make it clear from the outset, you expect to be treated well. The men who are willing to step up to the plate will stick around and treat you like a jewel, the ones who have no intentions of being Honorable will fade away. Either way you are much better off. Ladies, you MUST have standards and requirements! No matter what anyone tells you. Women who get what they want always have standards and requirements. Real men are very used to rising to the occasion. They are used to performing at work, working hard for promotions, working hard when they hunt, fish, or play sports. They understand rising to the occasion quite well and very efficient at it. However, the woman who allows a man to just come and go as he pleases, and walk all over her will soon find herself relegated to the bed mate category while he searches for his choosy dream girl. Even nice men will take freebies while looking for someone with more class and standards. The way you act in the beginning WILL set the tone for the relationship and once it's set, it is extremely hard to change it. Never let him get away with anything in the beginning. Let him know: " This is what I want, and this is what I will not accept!" This should be done in a sweet and steadfast fashion. There is no need to be nasty or get angry. He should know by your very actions and the way you carry yourself, what you will and won't tolerate. If he's obtuse and does not have a clue. Give him one. If he suggests you skip the movie and go to a hotel instead (long before he has a right to hope for such a thing) Simply Tell him: " Oh I understand you don't want to see the movie, perhaps you should take me home and we'll see it so other time." Look him in the eye and smile sweetly. If he's a gentleman he will immediately become contrite and back off. If he's not, then you should immediately exit his car, as soon as it is safe to do so. The bottom line is that you MUST set the tone from the inception of a relationship and guide him to treating you like a queen...... or kick him to the curb if he refuses to toe the line.... Post in 2 days... thank y'all for tuning in....

26 Comments:

At Thursday, August 07, 2008 , Blogger Taylor-Sara said...

chuck, I'm sorry your picture came out so small. I'm not sure why. I'm trying to correct it now....

 
At Thursday, August 07, 2008 , Anonymous keke said...

very informative, thank you. Are you going to do kinstectic (sp?) soon? This was really good, I have seen this take place where at the beginning he is testing to see how far he can go....love the info

 
At Thursday, August 07, 2008 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG that was well said. Is there a part 2?

 
At Thursday, August 07, 2008 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sara, that is so interesting. But what if he is damaged. Can you make him a good man by setting standards/rules etc?

 
At Thursday, August 07, 2008 , Blogger Taylor-Sara said...

Anon 1 I had not planned to do a part 2. Actually it was just something I threw together to go with the lesson. I promise to add stories to the kinestetic and auditory lessons though, since some people seem to like them so much.

Anon 2. No!!! you cannot turn a damaged man into a good man with anything but a good imagination! IOWs it won't happen! The only thing you can do with a damaged man is get away fast....

 
At Thursday, August 07, 2008 , Anonymous jag said...

Oh, so you don't bash black men huh, how come when your stories have a brotha he's aint' no good and gon expect the chick t'walk down a dark street and all. You ain't foolin nobody, you hate black men and you need to deal with yo onw issue! Served~

 
At Thursday, August 07, 2008 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

And you need spell check Sir, and a good english dictionary!

 
At Friday, August 08, 2008 , Blogger Erica said...

I am feeling this post. I once had a date with a guy who stood me up, so I left a seething message on his cell phone telling him not to bother for the rest of time and the next day I got on a train to visit my cousin in another city for the weekend. The idea was that I didn't want to be tempted to be drawn into his apologetic, sweet demeanour, rather I wanted to be at a distance so that he didn't have control of the situation. Although we talked when I came back, I was of sound mind and a clear head (I had a blast with my cousin) and I never went out with him again. If you lay down the law, then you have to stick to the verdict.

 
At Friday, August 08, 2008 , Anonymous Nikki7 said...

Totally on point Taylor-sara. Even when dealing with my children, I find that a lowered tone of voice and maintaining an air of distance gets me better results rather then when I get excited and raise my voice. Set the precedent from the begining ladies. Let a man know what you will and will not put up with. Please girl, WRITE A BOOK! Our society needs this type of good, basic common sense. God bless you!

 
At Friday, August 08, 2008 , Blogger Taylor-Sara said...

thanks Nikki, erica, that was really smart to leave so that you could distance your mind and body. That was a very smart thing to do...

Jag, not sure who you are and not interested in your comments. Can you not see this is a bw's forum? What I don't understand is if this site is offensive to you. Why do you come? Sorry but I just can't raise the energy to care how bm feel about my site. I care about the state of affairs for BW!!! ok. I don't BASH bm at all I REVEAL THEM!!! and that's the scariest part of all is'nt it.

 
At Friday, August 08, 2008 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sticking to the verdict: YES. Don't play with standards; maintain them! And that is quite difficult. I've said to my friends that THIS is the hill I'm willing to die on, if need be. The times I've dealt with inappropriate guys against my intellect or intuition have never been helpful. For some of us, it really IS better to be alone than to suffer spirit-killing "life" to "have" a man.

 
At Friday, August 08, 2008 , Anonymous Clarice said...

Excellent post. When it comes to dating you have to mean business. So treat it like business. Finding the right person is serious business - your health, happiness and future children depends on the choices you make. A woman is a free agent - sole proprieter of the business called you. CEO and chairman of the board so you set the tone. Decide what is acceptable and what is not and make sure the rules are enforceable. Simply stated just like in business - meetings start on time, at the appointed place. If you cannot make it call before the scheduled start time. My take is that if a man regardless of color, creed or whatever were meeting a business associate and was running late he would call ahead as a courtesy so - same rules apply for a date. If you would not do it to a business associate do not try it with me! My unspoken rule that applies to everyone - dates, friends, family etc. if we are scheduled to meet and I do not get a call about a change I wait 5 maybe 10 mins if we have an established friendship then roll out plan B.

No call to see what's up (now family or friends I will call to check on) - otherwise when the call comes I am calm,pleasent polite but firm. "When you did not show or call I presumed I was mistaken, because clearly you had other plans. My time is too valuable to waste so I made alternate plans and had a wonderful time. I trust all is well - when you get your business in order, if I am available maybe we can try this again- have a nice day! Bye now!




V/r


Clarice

 
At Friday, August 08, 2008 , Blogger Aphrodite said...

Hello Taylor-Sara,

This is an excellent post.


I had a situation last year where I tried to organize a date and the guy called me and changed all the details two hours before meeting.


I wish I had known this then.


I can remember times where I would be livid after spending x amount of time and dollars preparing for a date.


I despise men who don't value my time. It is so disrespectful. Although I would just never talk to them again versus being sweet with them- if they did call.

 
At Friday, August 08, 2008 , Blogger Aphrodite said...

I saw the response that you made to the earlier poster and I know this is an aside, but how do you maintain boundaries with DBRBM if you have to deal with them?




I am realizing that there are quite a few within my family namely my brother and a few of my mother's long term associates are. Since my mother has been ill I have been in increased contact with them.



I have to deal with invasive questions about my life decisions, hateful stares, and they are obsessed with my career and education.


Mind you I put myself through undergrad and I chose a career that would make me happy, but I have decided to compliment that degree with a degree in a hard science that would give me greater flexibility within and without my industry as well as boost my potential earning power.



At any rate, I have strangers badgering me about my religion (my mother's associate who was repairing the electricity). I don't know this guy from boo and my mom was telling me to be respectful because he is 80 years old. Then he kept asking about my career and how I should volunteer my services to help churches.




I have a brother who hasn't lifted a finger to help my mother while I am doing it all (bills, groceries, medicines etc) telling me that I am going to be too old to get a job. He is even asking my mother for money and she just had a heart attack last month. And she is just lending it to him and of course it is up to me to make up the shortfall.


Never mind that he is late 40 something, living off of a woman, only had 2 jobs in his life- while I worked an endless number of crap jobs to put myself through school sometimes 2 at a time.



After following the crappy advice of my mother's DBR now dead (thank God) boyfriend who suggested that I get a job instead of a degree. I did that and learned that after taxes 14k a year landed me in a pink collar hell and was only enough for gas fare and one day of lunch.



My temper is getting short and I am about to just snap.

 
At Friday, August 08, 2008 , Anonymous sky said...

@Jag...

"Oh, so you don't bash black men huh, how come when your stories have a brotha he's aint' no good and gon expect the chick t'walk down a dark street and all. You ain't foolin nobody, you hate black men and you need to deal with yo onw issue! Served~"


--- Jag serves as great example of a b*tch n*gga


@Sara..

Thanks for an important lesson sara. i tend to quit on men cold turkey ever since a guy i was dating stood me up. i quit worrying about their feelings and worry more about how they're treating me.

 
At Friday, August 08, 2008 , Blogger energize said...

jag must have seen himself in this post because I didn't read where you mentioned the character was a bm?

He did not respect her time, anger issues when he could not control her and was not concerned about her safety. Bad flags.

Megan's "friendship" was just as dangerous. The type when you tell them you are trying to loose weight and they are always in your ear saying, "girl, one more piece of cake won't hurt."

 
At Friday, August 08, 2008 , Blogger Suburban Goddess said...

All I have to say to his post is O-KAY.... People treat you how you allow them to treat you. Never allow another person to make you their door mat, sperm receptacle, or anything else demeaning to your integrity and self respect.
And let me call you out with love. Somebody reading this right now is laying up with a man and the benefits they are getting out the relationship are not worthy of the prize they are giving up. Buy a vibrator, a battery operated plastic man, or whatever else you need to put the brakes on being used. If you are bored pick up some hobbies, go out to single events in your local area, or engage yourself in other constructive ways while you are busy meeting and getting to know men to access their quality.
Ladies if you don’t take charge of your life and redefine your value. Who will?

Love Ya!

Kay

 
At Friday, August 08, 2008 , Anonymous lola said...

It's EXCELLENT!

I think it's important for women to know that men DO have standards and so SHOULD WE! I mean, do you think if the tables were turned and you made your man wait and didn't call or do anything that he would TAKE IT? Do YOU think that if you told him "I give you one more chance" right after you hung up on him, knowing that YOU ARE at fault, he would be all smiles and accept this?

You SHOW people how to treat you, if they don't want to respect you as much as you respect yourself, shake them OFF!!!!

 
At Friday, August 08, 2008 , Anonymous lola said...

@ the anonymous who asked if you can change a damaged man, like Sara said, GET AWAY FAST!! Do NOT stay with a damaged man, IT IS NOT YOUR JOB to try and fix him. YOUR JOB is to BUILD a QUALITY relationship with your partner and you CAN ONLY do it with QUALITY Men.

QUALITY MEN ARE NOT damaged. So if you're looking for a QUALITY life and a QUALITY relationship, don't WASTE your time with DAMAGED MEN.

Women have ENOUGH to deal with, especially BLACK WOMEN, to waste time, love and energy on IDIOTS!!

 
At Friday, August 08, 2008 , Anonymous lola said...

@ Jag,

1. It's interesting that you think "Jay" represents ALL black men and therefore YOU. You're the one who assumed it. If you felt the need to respond cause you thought "YOU" were personally attacked deal with your own issues, you're obviously mad "YOUR" BS has been revealed.

2. This blog is for BW who want Quality MEN, and want to get rid of DBRs. Most BW are surrounded with black people, therefore most of the DBRs they have to face are BLACK. The story is totally realistic.

3. If you don't like this blog, why are you still here?

 
At Friday, August 08, 2008 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

@Aphrodite said...but how do you maintain boundaries with DBRBM if you have to deal with them?

Sad truth is there are times in life when one has no choice but to deal w/ DBR persons - because people are not required to wear warning labels :) so it is not possible to see them coming or round 'em all up and drop 'em in the middle of a war zone :) Limit the interaction as much as possible and recognize that they are the problem. It is not your problem to solve. On the rare occassion when I have no choice but to deal with one - work, school, etc. I focus on my goal and what works for me and I do not waver. That is why I am polite, firm and pleasant - not letting them get to you and refusing to give them what they want infuriates them. It is so fun to watch them squirm - in the face of not being able to steal my joy or peace of mind :) The calmer, sweeter and happier you are the more they squirm.

As far as rude questions and stupid statements - no matter who asks a rude question I have no problem saying I am not going to discuss it and from that point on ignore the person and any question. It is like looking through them. If I do not choose to answer I do not answer and I do not even hear it! It is simple I take a minute to think and say nothing, that unnerves them - while I am thinking I ask myself is this something I wish to discuss with this person? Does this situation work for me? If the answer to either of those is anything but yes. I simply, sweetly refuse to play. I retain control, I stay happy and no one can say as in the case of rude, nosy, elders that I was rude or disrespectful. To be honest if the person is not significant in my life - they have no right to expect an answer if they are rude enough to think they have the right to ask. You can ask anything you want I respectfully exercise my right to not answer and be left alone. Mostly what other people think about me or my life and choices unless they are a positive part of it, by my choice - does not matter (don't know, don't care)- for the most part I am amazed that they 'think' never mind what they think!

V/r

Clarice

 
At Saturday, August 09, 2008 , Blogger Gloryus said...

I TOTALLY agree with the reasoning behind the story and I am glad to say that this is EXACTLY how I date, when I am looking for a relationshp. I like to 'read into things' when in the early part of a relationship or seeing someone new. For at least a month, we should check with our partner's consistency in donig the things they did to impress us on the first date (opening doors, carrying things for you etc). Its either a natural thing for him, or he's trying to be someone he isnt... I dont do well with people who assume a totally different personality just to please the people they are with. We dont have to assume anymore than the ones we have (and it is normal to have more than one personality).

 
At Saturday, August 09, 2008 , Blogger Felicity said...

Very good lessons, I am learning!

 
At Saturday, August 09, 2008 , Blogger Aphrodite said...

Thank you for that response Clarice. I really wish that I had said something and stood up for myself.

Thank you for the feedback. :)

 
At Sunday, August 10, 2008 , Blogger Sandz said...

So setting the tone. I am glad you posted this.
Maybe it is me, but there seems to be a general laziness I have noticed with guys. Or once again maybe something I don't understand.

Note: Guy, nope not DbrBm, but still think damaged. We met (online) and eventually exchanged numbers. I waited to see if dude would call, nope, sent fifty-million text messages though. I responded to a few, then finally called. I said 'you can call, you know.' His reply 'well I didn't know when you are available'
(It's a cell phone for crying out loud, I either answer or voice mail gets it)

So after that convo I stopped returning text messages.

He had the nerve to wrote back something to the fact about 'due to my total lack of communication he will assume I am not interested and he will stop bothering me'

I texted beck 'No not not interested (bad English), just not interested in comms via text only.'

Nothing back - that is fine.

But in texting there is not emotion, nothing, am I missing something here - what the heck?

 
At Sunday, August 10, 2008 , Blogger Taylor-Sara said...

Sandz, that sounds to me like the guy is married or has a long term girl. Sounds like he's just playing games on the side. What other reason could you not call) he was probably afraid you have caller ID and would call back.....Good choice to leave him off the list.....

 

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