Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Answer to reeling in the *Visual man*..... (lesson A)

Hey Everybody, I'm going to give the answer and another example so y'all can see what I mean. This will only be up a day or two, we need to move on.....
Clarice had this exactly right. The reason they were not connecting was because they were essentially speaking two separate languages. Paul was EXTREMELY VISUAL, while our lady was very much a kinestetic (feelings person). Paul related to the world almost exclusively by his eyes. This explained why he took the scenic route, was mesmerized by the sunset, and picked the beautiful restaurant.
Everybody has a favorite love language. You will have one too. It does not mean you don't use your other senses. It just means that in 99% of people one sense will predominate. For about two-thirds of people, it will be the visual. The other third will be split between auditory (hearing ) and kinestic (feelings) When she asked him how the dress looked. He was not trying to be a jerk. He noticed the color because he is so highly visual and in his mind, he was being honest. He overreacted about the waitress because the image was disgusting to him and he felt his dinner was ruined. ( Strong Visuals often overreact to dirt, messes, excrement etc. ) When she reflected his behavior back to him, he could see how silly it was and he instantly calmed down. *this trick will work with many men* When she began to speak his language, then he actually began to see her and become attracted. It sounds silly but many women totally miss the cues, and if you speak feelings to a visual man, you might as well pack it in! He will often turn off, think that you're a bit loony and disappear. Visuals are VERY uncomfortable talking about feelings. They relate to the world by what they see. Yes, they most certainly have feelings, yet they experience them through their eyes. exp.
( Men) don't bother telling a visual woman you love her. Forget it, I guarantee you she will be thinking: ' well then where the hell is my ring? ' or 'Then why aren't you buying me flowers, or taking me to dinner!' See, she will be experiencing the world through her eyes. Her motto will be 'don't tell me -SHOW ME!!! ' - " I want to SEE the love!" This is woman you can try to 'love' all day, but unless she sees evidence of it -she will NOT believe you!

Ladies, don't tell the visual man " I just wanna make love to you all day! " Please don't say that-he just might run! Instead say something like: " looking at you makes me wanna call out from work -all week!" He will eat that up. Or " You look so good in that suit, you make me wanna rip it off!" See he can now SEE how you feel, and he will understand. To determine your man's love language -listen carefully. A pattern will emerge. The more visual he is the faster it will emerge. Here are some more clues:
He is very organized and gets into a bad mood in a dirty house.
He dresses very well and spends alot of time grooming.
He walks tall and has a proud 'peacock ' air about him
He works out and watches his weight.
He looks at you alot with an admiring look on his face.
He has a hard time hiding his feelings when upset (the visual face is very expressive-they usually don't make good poker players)
He loves to watch movies, or tv etc.
He loves to see you dance or be seductive or be naked etc.

* This one will give him away every time* Visual men are extremely nosy, when he drives, he will CONSTANTLY look in the rear view mirror! It's almost unconscious- he HAS to know what other drivers are doing....

Anyway, maybe you've experienced the following situation and had no idea what the problem was until now.....
___________________________________________________
Visual..v.. Kinestetic (clues to their language in red)

Dawn removed her expensive coat and carefully hung it in the hall closet. She could hear her husband puttering around in the kitchen, making one of his specialties. She smoothed her already perfect clothing and headed toward the kitchen. As soon as she stepped foot in the door, her pulse began to race! She had left the kitchen spotless before she had left this morning and now it was a wreck! There was spaghetti sauce and dishes everywhere! crumbs on her counters, juice spilled on her freshly scrubbed floors, something running down the wall, and worst of all, her brand new kitchen rugs were ruined with sauce stains-she knew would never come out! Keith turned toward her with a big stupid grin on his face, he was covered in flour and some concoction she could not identify. "hey baby! just thought I'd make dinner " he said happily. "Then we can cuddle by the fire and-" "wait!, Keith-" too late he had come and put his spaghetti covered hands all over her expensive designer dress! Now Dawn was too angry to speak. Keith realized what he had done and tried to apologize quickly. "oh honey, I am so sorry- here take that off and I will hand wash it right-" Dawn stopped him with a withering look. "what the hell is wrong with you?" she demanded. "anyone with half an eye could see your hands were dirty-why do you act so stupid!" Keith looked as if she had slapped him. "honey, I said I was sorry !" he said softly. "but why do you have to say such cruel things, why are you so cold, and mean spirited? Do you realize how much pain you cause or you just don't give a damn?" Dawn backed away, and looked at him like he had lost it. "you wanna talk about pain!" she shouted. "look at my damn kitchen! I just cleaned it before I left, do you really think I wanna come home and see it looking like this!" "I had pictured coming home to a nice clean kitchen and now look what I get! Keith backed away, as if her words were fists coming toward his face. "honey I didn't mean-" '"S - A-V- E I- T! she drawled maliciously, her face a mask of anger. "You have ruined my rugs, my curtains, and now my dress all because you're too stupid to see, you can't cook! Keith looked beaten."honey I just wanted to hug my wife, sorry I sure did not mean to ruin your precious dress!" With that he turned and slammed out of the house leaving Dawn to clean the mess.....

The clues to each person's language are in red. Kinestetics often wear their heart on their sleeve and get hurt very easily. Visuals hate messes! In fact the more visual people are the cleaner their house will be, the more organized they will be and the less tolerant of dirt and disorder they will be. Can you see how dawn wanted her home to match the clean picture she had in her head? Can you see that Keith wanted only to have a good meal and cuddle by the fire? -Kinestetics always want to do what feels good. Visuals on the other hand want things to look good . Can you see how these two will have to get on the same wavelength in order for their relationship to survive?

27 Comments:

At Wednesday, July 30, 2008 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sara,
I have a good white husband who is good and loving and a fairly good provider, but I don't think the average black woman would be a good fit for Interracial marriage. I think it would be better if you would just teach bw to find good black men because Interracial marriage is not for everyone. I have a problem with you teaching bw to find and seduce white men. I think that's trickery! How is it fair to teach them to manipulate these men into marrying them. Why don't you just focus on teaching them to find some black men....that's their best bet anyway.

 
At Wednesday, July 30, 2008 , Blogger Taylor-Sara said...

that's very odd Anon. I almost think I hear you saying I have a wonderful wm but I don't want other bw to have a wonderful wm because it would make my marriage less special! I have a problem with women like you who find good 'things' in life and then don't want other women to experience it! If bw should not look for wm-then why did you??? I don't think you realize how selfish you sound! I want ALL bw to have loving suppportive mates, not just a few of us! sad you feel that way....

 
At Wednesday, July 30, 2008 , Anonymous Tonia said...

Love the answer and info Sara, that was so interesting! And the crazy part is I have had that argument with my husband and had no idea what the hell we were arguing about! Now I really understand!

 
At Wednesday, July 30, 2008 , Anonymous Nana said...

That was great! I love the information. Are you going to do feeling and hearing men? I hope so. This blog has such great information. I really learn alot coming here. Thanks for everything...PS please do how to meet a good man...

 
At Wednesday, July 30, 2008 , Anonymous kim said...

Sara, I don't understand why you would only leave the post up for one day! All that work to change it the next day, I don't get it! Are you going to change the answer post just as soon too?

 
At Wednesday, July 30, 2008 , Blogger Taylor-Sara said...

Hi kim, yes I am going to change this one in a day or two as well. The reason is these are not 'real' posts. They are just lessons for the women who want to learn how to get Mr Right. There is not a whole lot to discuss here so I will be changing to a 'real' post in a day or two. Then say next week, I will give another quick lesson in between posts....

 
At Wednesday, July 30, 2008 , Anonymous Renee said...

I think it would be better if you would just teach bw to find good black men because Interracial marriage is not for everyone. I have a problem with you teaching bw to find and seduce white men.


I'm confused. Where in the post does sara say that these love languages are for wm only? I thought it was universal. I didn't know that only white men could be visual or kinesthetic... I know this is an interracial board, but I never interpreted this love lesson to be for use on wm only....

 
At Wednesday, July 30, 2008 , Anonymous sky said...

hmm i gonna have to understand this visual and feeling type of men. i've figured it out for myself...i feel that women have been taught to tell men how they feel in hopes that they feel the same way. this has backfired on me more times that i can count. which is why i don't tell men how i feel until they've told me first. ive always assumed men were visual creatures to begin w/ so that doesn't surprise me. ugh looks like i have a lot of work to do. thanks sara.

 
At Wednesday, July 30, 2008 , Anonymous Clarce said...

@Anonymous said... Sara, I have a good white husband who is good and loving and a fairly good provider, but I don't think the average black woman would be a good fit for Interracial marriage. I think it would be better if you would just teach bw to find good black men because Interracial marriage is not for everyone.

Sara - this may be out of line but - biting my tongue in the face of stupidity and nonsense is not my MO. This woman is running scared, a shallow, selfish, insecure, unhappy, self serving, petty ("good and loving and a 'fairly' good provider"), small minded crab in the basket person. Proof that even folks who marry out may not always lose the indoctrinated mindset.

Average means to settle for what is within the range of "acceptable,approved behavior". Anybody can be average - that is why it is called average. Easy is worth what it costs and average costs nothing. To quote the song Nothing from Nothing leaves nothing. Problem is, as has been pointed out here and elsewhere DBR folks regardless of color and or race do not even make the effort to be average. DBR folks are a drain, a negative balance, leeches, parasites that suck the life out of otherwise healthy people.

This blog and the message it brings is not about average - women settling for the status quo - or living on other peoples terms. It is about telling women not to settle for DBR or letting parasites, leeches and emotional vampires drain them and steal their life or their joy! The message is about being whole, healthy, happy, appreciated, respected and cherished women and being and seeking only the best, the best self, the best solution for their best interests. What you are doing here is providing information that can be used to enhance and enrich women's lives.

So yeah she is right relationships with quality men regardless of race is not about being for average. Average settles for what is easy. Excellence is about knowing the truth, knowledge is power, defining the truth base on what is the best interest of the woman.

Being the best self - living your truth and doing what is in your best interest - means having no time and no need to waste time or energy keeping others back or down. Message to this woman is get your own house in order - Message to everyone else - ignore this nonsense do not let naysayers steal your joy or deter you from your goal. Women in Vogue are NOT Average (MOST WANTED Issue EVER! Vogue Italia - July 2008) - they DO NOT settle for average - they do not do Average!


Stepping down off my soapbox - thank you!

V/r

Clarice

 
At Thursday, July 31, 2008 , Blogger Mary said...

"I think it would be better if you would just teach bw to find good black men because Interracial marriage is not for everyone. "

Anon did you lose your mind?

 
At Thursday, July 31, 2008 , Anonymous mekare said...

"Why don't you just focus on teaching them to find some black men....that's their best bet anyway."

Black men have ALREADY failed to uplift their communities, black women and their children. If black men are our best bet then we are doomed. Personally, I am tired of being steered back to black men.

How did you conclude that the average black woman is not suitable for a stable relationship with a relationship with a white man? What is the average black woman? What makes black women unsuitable? What makes you suitable? How did you defy the odds?

Your post lets me know that you realize that numbers of black men that will treat black women decently are extremely low. You just don't think that black women are good enough or are mentally inferior in one way or another. So we might as well stick with the good old black man even though you know black women will be harmed in the process.

Teaching a black woman how to get a black man nowadays is equivalent to teaching a black woman to grovel at the black man's feet and become a human sponge to absorb all kinds of negative behaviors.

And WHO is going to teach black men to treat black women properly? No one and that INCLUDES YOU. It's always up to black women to make a dollar out of fifteen cents.

If that is what you want for black women and girls then I don't want sh*t to do with you or your white husband.

There are too many black women who are just too damned scared to go all the way through with things that will benefit all black women.

Go back to your bubble.

 
At Thursday, July 31, 2008 , Blogger Sandz said...

Okay - so that is where the 'blonde' in me has been coming out. I am soooo Kinestetic it isn't even funny. My house, though clean well has clutter and piles of paper. I can tell you what is in the piles but nonetheless don't know what to do with them.
Well my friends (guys) keep teasing me telling me how I totally miss the guys looking at me.
I say 'Well why don't they say something'. One guy said you need to invite them in.
Well I had been getting quite ticked because I 'figured' my happy voice and smile was enough - dangit!!
Now admittedly some guys I don't want to 'invite in'. They can keep right on moving. But I am totally missing the connection with the visuals - I guess.
Well I will re-read, I have much to learn in this school of life and especially in the dating world.

BTW Sara I love the reply to anon's post.

 
At Thursday, July 31, 2008 , Anonymous lola said...

I'm BOTH. I saw a little bit of myself in BOTH Keith and Dawn. For example, I have no problem expressing my feelings and emotions, but at the same time, I easily STARE at "HOT" men with a fresh style without even realizing, just as bad as men staring at "HOT" women. I love everything CLEAN, and I'm sensitive to fashion sense but if my man had messed up the kitchen like Keith did, I think I'd be crying laughing at his attempt to cook but I'd THANK him too for trying LOL, I wouldn't see that as a big deal (I wouldn't be the one cleaning tho).

I don't think I could deal with a man who is too visual or too kinesthetic. I need balance.

-------------

@ SARA,

This ANON CHARACTER IS A TROLL!!!! Let's stop focusing on these stupid people, it could be anyone, it could be a BM or WW passing for a BW, you know how some of them do. If it's a BW shame on her but let's not pay attention to these folks, maybe you should just delete the post cause people won't concentrate on the subject and the whole constructive conversation we could have will be ruined by this troll, and that's what "THEY" want. Please, I see right through this anon's BULL!

 
At Thursday, July 31, 2008 , Blogger Zabeth said...

"I have a good white husband who is good and loving and a fairly good provider, but I don't think the average black woman would be a good fit for Interracial marriage. I think it would be better if you would just teach bw to find good black men because Interracial marriage is not for everyone. I have a problem with you teaching bw to find and seduce white men. I think that's trickery! How is it fair to teach them to manipulate these men into marrying them. Why don't you just focus on teaching them to find some black men....that's their best bet anyway."

That sounds more like an angry BM or a troll to me. If you are a BW than you're just as bad as the trolls and I'd have to agree with Sara. With all the statistics presented about the availability of BM to BW I think it is very telling that you would encourage Sara and other BW to only pursue relationships with BM.

Anyhoo, I'm happy whenever I see a BW with any COLOR man who is loving and appreciative of her. I don't think "Oh she doesn't know what she's doing!" I think what did she do right and what can I and others learn from her.

 
At Thursday, July 31, 2008 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

The first annonymous was just trying to be "funny" and or trying to get a "rise" out of everyone.
Some people just want attention.

Ann F.

 
At Thursday, July 31, 2008 , Blogger nikki7 said...

Taylor-sara, your insight and wisdom is quite impressive for such a young woman. Thank you for sharing!

 
At Thursday, July 31, 2008 , Anonymous lola said...

@ Zabeth,

"That sounds more like an angry BM or a troll to me."

I'm 90% sure it's not a "BW". See, these trolls know now that their comments won't be posted, so they have to find other tactics. And as if by chance, a "BW" conviently appears "NOW" that they can't express themselves to say what these angry BM want to say. Pay attention folks. We're being PUNK'D!

 
At Thursday, July 31, 2008 , Blogger KM said...

This is interesting. I've been in situations similar to the second one with the visually oriented wife and the feelings oriented man. I'm more hearing oriented than visually oriented (I'd guess I could be a mix of them both) and I just extricated myself from a situation with a feelings oriented man who, off of our slight interactions, thought we had something going on between us. Not going to really get into that, this isn't the place.

I just want to say I discovered this blog last night and I've been devouring it ever since. I'm a 24 y/o bw who grew up in the hood. The best thing that ever happened to me was to go away to college. My eyes were opened to a new world of possibilities that I never thought of before. I grew up in a family where the only one unmarried was my mom (she got together and had me and my bro with a DBR). My cousins and I knew that we were expected to get married before having children with my aunts and uncles as models (they have had problems in their marriages but non of them are divorced and the marriages are all thriving). Most importantly, my female cousins and I were told to marry ONLY men who love us and are willing to give the best and only the best for us. My male cousins were instructed to be ready to treat a women who they wanted to be their wife as if she was the best thing that ever happened to them. I was told repeatedly never to settle at all, that I'm worthy of the best man in the world.

There are DBRs in my family, some interracial marriages (mainly BM/WW). My mom always told me to look at the black man first before any other race as well as my aunts and uncles but now, they've become open to IR dating/marriage. I have dated IR before, no doubt but now, as my mom says, she'd rather I'd avoid what she has had to deal with with my father and be with a WM/LM/AM that loves me and would lay down his life, etc for me.

Sorry for the dissertation.

 
At Friday, August 01, 2008 , Anonymous lola said...

Welcome KM!!

Don't apologize for the dissertation it's never a problem here! We all write one from time to time :)

I'm happy to know another sister is living life to the fullest and wants THE BEST for herself. And I'm glad that you got out of the hood!

Keep living well girl!

 
At Friday, August 01, 2008 , Blogger Selena said...

Ooops Sara, you let a dbr bm slip under the radar again...uh I meant under the cloak of "Anon". Don't waste your time responding or shall I say Please Don't Feed The Trolls LOL.

I'm loving your Love Training Seminars 101!

 
At Friday, August 01, 2008 , Blogger Aphrodite said...

Hey Lola that is so interesting. I think I may be a mix of visual and feelings too!


KM, you really have your head on your shoulders. This is good. :) Glad that the women in your family are supportive/

 
At Friday, August 01, 2008 , Blogger jazine said...

Hey Sara,

Off topic, but I thought all of you ladies may want to read some good IR fiction from Mercedes Keyes whenever you need to take a break from the madness. She has an online soap opera saga called 'The Beauty of a Man and a Woman,' it is scorching hot! It's a paid subscription to read the series, but she is offering for 17 days and counting free reads by providing new readers with the password.

Sara, I really see you doing something like this, as far as IR fiction. Your stories are fantastic.

http://bomaw.com/

 
At Saturday, August 02, 2008 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I doubt the first anon is even a BW. Just some jealous troll

 
At Saturday, August 02, 2008 , Blogger KM said...

Thanks Lola and Aphrodite! I learned the hard way in HS. I messed around with a BM who had not only a GF but a 1st string ho. I was the 2nd string ho and for about 1 and 1/2 school years, I accepted it. Then I snapped out of it and moved on with another BM who wanted me to be his girlfriend, not a playmate. I was 16 when I left that guy alone (he was first guy to look at me as if I was attractive so I feel for him. stupid me). I have not been in a situation like that ever since, praise God.

 
At Sunday, August 03, 2008 , Blogger Jess said...

Anonymous said...
Sara,
"I have a good white husband who is good and loving and a fairly good provider, but I don't think the average black woman would be a good fit for Interracial marriage. I think it would be better if you would just teach bw to find good black men because Interracial marriage is not for everyone. I have a problem with you teaching bw to find and seduce white men. I think that's trickery! How is it fair to teach them to manipulate these men into marrying them. Why don't you just focus on teaching them to find some black men....that's their best bet anyway."
--Dear Anon, why not start a blog yourself? What Sara is doing is necessary and I love her for it!If it wasn't for Sara, I would have no idea of the smart,educated,wealthy white men dating/married to bw.I'm not saying I could be a princess,like one bw married to a white prince...but it lets bw know we do have and should explore other options.:)BTW, there are not enough quality bm to go around. This anon, seems like a bm,any1 else think so?

 
At Monday, August 04, 2008 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know were moving on, but is there going to be a how-to on reeling in the kinestetic man? I need that one!LOL!!

 
At Thursday, August 07, 2008 , Blogger Taylor-Sara said...

Hi Anon yes there will be for Kines. and auditory. Look for them soon...

 

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