The difference between Damaged and Wounded

Roz: formerly wounded woman, with new husband, new life and renewed hope........

Sometimes it seems like people can only see things filtered through their own beliefs and ideologies, and therefore can only catch a glimpse of the whole picture. I was reading Halima's post and as usual it was excellent. She was talking about levels of damage in the bc and how one level has nothing to do with another. She is absolutely right however, I kept feeling like something did not quite fit, but I could not put my finger on it. I fell asleep thinking about it and then it came to me as I dreamed. It was the word! the word is not fitting or fair! Most bw are not damaged-they are wounded!!! and there is a big difference! When I closed my eyes I fell asleep and dreamed of my prior marriage.....

This is the first and last time I have ever allowed a damaged man into my life. Believe me I hate to reveal the following story. It's something I always planned to take to the grave, but if it will help even one other woman out there- I'm willing to do it.........

Years ago I was married to a seemingly good black man.( or so everyone told me) I loved him very much and we had a beautiful little daughter, almost 3 More than anything I just wanted to make this marriage work and stay together,

especially for Jaide's sake (my precious daughter) Her father's father had walked out on him when he was young and as a result he was very angry. He constantly took his anger out on me. I think the fact that my dad had been in my life exacerbated this pain to him. He had to have the house spotless all the time and he would throw anger fits if I did not dress like someone from little house on the prairie. (horrible, out of date clothing, far too large) He was a control freak about everything, and often began to scream at me for any little infraction. The marriage grew to be an onerous burden for me, and I had begun to save money for my inevitable departure. One day we had to go to the market because the baby was out of milk. He was in a bad mood (as usual) and when we were in the store, in front of the cashier, he began to scream at me because I got the wrong brand of oil. I was extremely embarrassed and people were looking at us, so I tried to walk away from him. He became enraged and snatched me back. At that point the cashier ( a very young wm) interrupted in a loud and commanding voice "excuse me sir," he told my husband "there is plenty of time for you to go get the oil you prefer, please stop treating her like that!" My husband looked at me with rage on his face and stalked away. I looked at my nearly 3 year old baby, she looked sad, and frightened. I remember feeling sick with fear, and sadness for my baby. I knew we'd be using that stashed money soon. As my husband passed me to get the oil, he deliberately stomped on my sandled foot with his combat boot! Instantly I began to cry. I was horrified because I really hate to cry and I especially never do it in front of strangers! The people next to me in line (mostly white) looked at me with such pity on their faces, I will never forget it as long as I live. They had seen everything! I wanted to die with embarrassment but, I knew one thing for sure, I was leaving. I was not going to wait any longer to save more money, I was leaving....

Later, barely able to control his rage until we were inside the house he turned on me. He screamed obscenities and then began to choke me until everything began to go dark, he finally let me go when he saw me fading away. He told me I was stupid, lazy (no matter how clean I kept the house) and a waste of his time. He said that black women were not worth shit and that we always drove men to hurt us because we didn't know how to act, and we did not deserve anybody. He said that if I did not get my shit together he was leaving. Very quietly I mumbled "please do!" He asked me what I'd said and I said again, stronger this time"please leave! -and promise not to come back!" "If that's the way you feel, I will" he said quietly. I grabbed my daughter and tried to make it from the room before his rage returned. But as I tried to pass him, he swung quietly around and punched me in the face. I threw my 2 year old to the bed and told her to go!( our code word for run) she hopped from the bed but instead of running away like I had taught her, she ran toward us screaming at him "don't kill my mommy, Leave us alone daddy!" In one quick motion he back handed her, and she flew into the wall!!! In that instant I went from victim, crying on the floor to enraged mother! I jumped up and ran at him with my fists flailing. I began to punch him with a strength I had never known before! He ran from the house this time with me looking for something harder to hit him with....By the time he got back, I had thrown everything that could fit into the car, taken my baby, and left. She did not even ask me if we were coming back, even at the age of not quite 3, she knew we weren't..... I left a beautiful house with beautiful furniture and so called security, although I don't know how much security can a woman have with a very damaged man. He told everyone who would listen that I had left him and stolen his daughter! He said he had only tried to be good to me and had no idea why I was such an evil bitch. His family called repeatedly to curse me out- and tell me that I was a piss poor excuse for a black woman. When this failed to send me back, they resorted to threats. He had a very good job (RN Nurse) so friends and even some of my family members told me I was stupid to leave. They said BM have problems because of the racism they endure and that a good woman would have stayed with him. I told them I must not be a good bw because I was not going back! And I never did. All this took place years ago, but I can look back and still feel the pain of that experience. It taught me many valuable lessons.

1. Lesson 1 is: we do what we must! I had to leave-so I did. Many nights I wanted to leave him but thought I did not have the strength, no matter how horribly he treated me. After he hurt my baby, I knew I could never stay no matter how much he begged. and I never went back no matter what devises he tried.

2. The second Lesson I learned was that I was stronger than I thought and that I could make changes in my life anytime I decided to. We all can. I made a conscious decision to leave, and a conscious decision to go to computer school. I was forced to live with relatives and believe you me that was extremely hard. But my daughter and I made it and we are both stronger and happier from the storms we have endured.

3. The 3rd lesson I learned was that I was wounded by pain that I went through but I was never DAMAGED! I never turned on anyone else and tried to victimize them or sold drugs or used drugs or turned to a life of crime to justify the pain and poverty that I endured. To me damage is when a person has an experience that they find intolerable or undesirable and turn it on other people! My ex had no father. This made him very angry and he turned his anger on me and an innocent baby. That to me is damage! We were not responsible for him not having a father! He said the white man was why his father left (? I don't know how, so don't ask me) Yet he went to work everyday and smiled in his white boss's face. Then he would come home and make life a living hell for me and his child. To me this is DAMAGE! He was later severely reprimanded and lost his hospital job because he attacked a helpless patient. (more evidence of damage) Looking back though, I can see all the ways that I was wounded. I was angry at myself alot for being stupid enough to ever be in that position. It was very hard for me to forgive me. I refused dates for years, and was very over protective of my child. I was also guarded and morose alot, but I can proudly say never once did I ever victimize another person. One day my daughter came to me and thanked me for leaving. She actually remembered life with her father! She said she was proud of me for having the strength to leave and that because of that, I had given her a better life..... and that's probably when I started to heal....

Damage --V--Wounded

My point is when someone is robbing, raping, using people, or drugs of any kind, If they are abandoning children or denying children the right to grow up in a safe, secure environment, then they are displaying damage tendencies of the most pronounced form. If they are engaged in criminalized behavior, or predatory behavior of any kind, they are displaying damage pure and simple. The simple definition of damage to me is "I don't like me/my life so may God help you- because I am going to make you pay!

On the other hand, wounded, is when someone is suffering all by themselves and is in no way hurting you, They may be depressed, morose, guarded or have an eating disorder but the point is they are not taking out their pain on other people! This is simply a wounded person, and it is not at all reasonable to call them damaged. this simple definition of a wounded person to me is: "I've been downtrodden and beaten, but with God's help-I will find my way back!

Never let anyone mislead you. There is a huge amount of difference. For one if you were walking on the street alone at night, which one would you rather encounter the damaged or the wounded person?? Who do you think is kicking doors in and victimizing innocent people the damaged or the wounded? Who is on the corners selling drug/poison to our children-the damaged or the wounded? Who is making babies they have no intention of taking financial responsibility for and then abandoning them as fast as they can, the damaged or the wounded? And I don't want to scare anyone, but who is likely to harm your child over a pair of sneakers, or pull a knife over a silly argument-This is DAMAGE, and this is the DIFFERENCE! and the more damaged a person is, (be they male or female black or white) the more deadly they are! Can the damaged be repaired? Sometimes yes and sometimes no, depending on whether they recognize the problem and whether they have any remorse, but irregardless, it is not your place to fix them! The best thing you can do for you and your children is to steer clear.......