Why does it seem like EVERYTHING is a sista's fault?
This is a letter I recently received from a reader, who is struggling to understand why black women are so often blamed for the choices black men make, especially when it comes to love and marriage.....
Something has been bothering me for a long time, Sara. And that's Black men dating non-black women. Now I know I told you that I am quite attracted to white men, however this still bothers me. While looking at your blog and others like it. I've come to a conclusion that hurts. The BM who date out only seem to do it for two reasons to me. The first is money and the second is a hate towards BW. I just can't explain it but that's how it comes off to me. I just don't think that many BM and WW relationships are based on love. The money issue bothers me alot I just don't understand it. Why would a BM who was raised by a BW pursue WW like their going out of style or something. And the other issue...the hate towards BW bothers me to no end. When I've dated WM, I've looked at them as men never as white men...I never bring up an excuse that reflects negatively on BM for my reasons for dating outside of my race. Because BM have no influence in my decision, the only BM I detest is my father if you remember what I told you in my last email.
Why is it that everytime I see some discussion on television about BM dating WW they always seem to blame BW for their choice of dating out. They pick one stereotype and use it against every BW. If you saw Tyra Banks show earlier this week, why didn't the BM who was dating that WW just say he was dating her because he liked her as a woman. Not because he was attracted to WW because of a few BW in his North Carolina city who were as he said 'trapping BM with pregnancy'. I would never dream of doing something like that to any man. If I was a WW I wouldn't want someone who was with me like that. I would want someone to look at me as just a woman. My boyfriend sees me as a woman, not a black woman, and he never blames WW for dating me Cause frankly I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. Love me for me and not because WW did this and are doing that. Which is exactly what I see BM doing. I'm not even going to touch on the fact that they let WW diss us and disrespect us...which proves to me that both WW and BM hate BW.(Okay I'm done with that, that topic always makes me mad) Please tell me if I'm wrong in my thinking I really respect your opinions and would like to know if I'm wrong here for feeling the way that I do.
Something has been bothering me for a long time, Sara. And that's Black men dating non-black women. Now I know I told you that I am quite attracted to white men, however this still bothers me. While looking at your blog and others like it. I've come to a conclusion that hurts. The BM who date out only seem to do it for two reasons to me. The first is money and the second is a hate towards BW. I just can't explain it but that's how it comes off to me. I just don't think that many BM and WW relationships are based on love. The money issue bothers me alot I just don't understand it. Why would a BM who was raised by a BW pursue WW like their going out of style or something. And the other issue...the hate towards BW bothers me to no end. When I've dated WM, I've looked at them as men never as white men...I never bring up an excuse that reflects negatively on BM for my reasons for dating outside of my race. Because BM have no influence in my decision, the only BM I detest is my father if you remember what I told you in my last email.
Why is it that everytime I see some discussion on television about BM dating WW they always seem to blame BW for their choice of dating out. They pick one stereotype and use it against every BW. If you saw Tyra Banks show earlier this week, why didn't the BM who was dating that WW just say he was dating her because he liked her as a woman. Not because he was attracted to WW because of a few BW in his North Carolina city who were as he said 'trapping BM with pregnancy'. I would never dream of doing something like that to any man. If I was a WW I wouldn't want someone who was with me like that. I would want someone to look at me as just a woman. My boyfriend sees me as a woman, not a black woman, and he never blames WW for dating me Cause frankly I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. Love me for me and not because WW did this and are doing that. Which is exactly what I see BM doing. I'm not even going to touch on the fact that they let WW diss us and disrespect us...which proves to me that both WW and BM hate BW.(Okay I'm done with that, that topic always makes me mad) Please tell me if I'm wrong in my thinking I really respect your opinions and would like to know if I'm wrong here for feeling the way that I do.
posted by Taylor-Sara @ 6:08 PM
25 Comments
25 Comments:
I'm not even going to touch on the fact that they let WW diss us and disrespect us...which proves to me that both WW and BM hate BW.
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It is an interesting thought. At times, depending on the couple it seems as if they are tag teaming. These same BM/WW get indignant when they see a BW happy with her WM beau.
I think that for your own sanity, you should just "live and let live". BM/WW couples (the haters) who diss us because we are black women are not really happy anyway. Concentrate on your own happiness. That's my advice.
As a WM I can understand this story, and I think WM are placed in the same seat as BW. WW dis BW and there BM stand back and nod a head in agreement. I've noticed BM diss WM and WW will stand by there side and join in the insult against WM. WW who date BM use the same stereotype or excuse why they left WM for BM. And while WM, and BW stand back waiting for there WW/BM to come back to them we are left stranded..
Anon, I agree, and that's pretty much what I told her. You cannot be happy in life when you are constantly worried about another's action-at some point you must let go and let God....
Anon, I am happy...this was just a thought I had on the fly and the words written were on the fly. I'm very happy with my boyfriend he's one of the greatest men you could ever meet. I just wanted to know Sara's opinion on the topic, there's no hate there. It just bothers me sometimes. This was just an observation I've made listening to BM talk about why they decided to date out. Cause frankly I don't get why they blame BW for their dating out. I love my man and would never blame anyone for falling in love with him. Thank you for voicing your opinion on this topic.
Peace.
Anon, I'm glad you and you guy are happy, I wish that for every woman. I don't think things like love, marriage and happiness are only for ww. These are for us all. I know it gets hard, I told you I work in a police station and many times it breaks my heart to see so many mug shots of bm after bm! it makes me wonder why constantly. 9 times out of 10,its a drug related charge and the parolee will call up telling me how black women caused him to sell, use or hold drugs!!! WTH! How can a woman cause you to do anything? you don't listen to us any other time??? Basically, I feel like the BC is akin to the titanic... in other words its sinking fast! and bw better get our behinds in the life boats and row away as fast as we can because when she goes down the gravitational pull will pull everybody close by down with her.....
I agree, don't worry about it, don't hate on WW/BM and you will find yourself freed from even caring why they're together or that they're together. And be careful about "projecting" your feelings on other people's relationships - you might be assuming the reasons they're together (money or hatred of BW) because you can't bear to believe that they might be happy. I'm sure there are some that are happy and some that aren't, some that are together for the "right" reasons and some that aren't - it's hard to know. But don't spend your time trying to figure it out. Just acknowledge that you have no control over the actions of BM or WW, and don't allow their behavior to control your thoughts, feelings or behavior - that's freedom. We won't always know all the answers, but we can still be free.
Y'all Check your Sites! I think someone had put a virus on them!!!
Slightly OT:
Just more Mammy rantings found on Nappturality. There seems to be one mammy in particular that blows a fuse when someone brings an IR topic to the table. The last time I got into with her, we didn't here from her for a while. But now she's back. I don't know who she is, but this is a mild version of what she normally says in regards to black women dating out:
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Hijacked from nappturality.com:
Member Name Babylon
Black folks need to stop letting the tv and the media period set values for us and influence our way of thinking. Just turn the dorn tv off and stop letting it baby sit the kids. Stop going ga ga over media print garbage statistics and reports talking about how we are this or that, or this or that is happening as it concerns us, etc. We also need to check the hell ought of so-called "sistahs" bringing this cow manuer to this forum in a trolling manner. I am surprised at the many people here that can't see a troll siting right in front of us!
It is beginning to look like we can't think for or dorn selves.
Iv'e had my situations with Black men too: I have noticed the beauty standard they seem to hold up in videos, etc.. also.......in the past because now I don't even watch the ish. I use to feel that as a Black woman I was severly underappreciated by Black men from time to time until I TURNED OFF THE DAMNED TV and stop letting people who never gave a rats booty about us dictate what is going on with our relationships. Stop watching BET! Stop watching rap videos and then getting angry because you don't see women in the videos who look like you! Stop listening to rap and buying cds that you feel degrade you as a Black woman!! Stop buying them for your kids and your nephews/cousins, etc. Stop letting Tyra tell you whats going on with Black relationships!
Tyra just needs to get her own man and then try to keep him!
Stop letting the few famous Black men, married to non-Black women that the media throws at us everyday obscure the reality that MOST famous Black men are married to Black women!!
Stop letting trolls come here talking about how they are happy with their white mates and we should be open for a white mate also; That most Black men ain't crap and you'll be happier on the other side!! You got a white dude: Good for you, want a cookie?
I can't believe the moderators let these mentally disturbed females troll these boards with the infamous, hatefull garbage they spew here for their own sons, brothers, fathers, cousins, uncles, etc...!!!! Now, I am not saying that Black women in ir relationships are mentally ill but a good deal of the ones who have come here to share their point of view, experiences and try to give advice to the other sistahs on this board deffinitely are not sane!!
How can you be sane talking about how no good Black men are when as a woman, you give birth to them!! So that must mean you ain't no good cause the fruit don't fall far from the tree. They act like they are oblivious to the fact that their children by their non-Black mates will be considered Black and treated as such by society!!
You still can't get away from having a Black son, so it must be in how you raise them, right? Duh!!!
Why we never have a consensus to encourage Black women to come together and find solutions to the issues we seem to believe we are having with our Black men?
This post has been edited by Babylon: Mar 2 2008, 03:04 AM
Ladies/Gentlemen...it is time to move away from too much thought on ww/bm relations...really who cares? How about happier topics such as: good family stories or even a good ghost story, education, travel, real estate, future goals, etc. Lets continue to fill our free time with POSITIVE THOUGHTS and ACTIONS.
Ann
I aggree with the above, we should move on. I have NEVER experienced a WW disrespect me while being with a WM. My experience has been that WW cater to a man's needs and desires. There are less social issues such as they have premarital sex, and will have an abortion if pregnacy occurs. The ones that don't are treated just like BW in the same sutuation, abandoned. I think that BM and BW are raise children with low selfesteem due to struggle and lack of opportunity. If BW demanded more for themselves we wouldn't be worried about BM because any man who didn't treat us correct would be kicked to the curb. Instead BW are raised to have such low selfesteem, many will take what they can get. Even a man with two families, no education, unemployed and unreliable. What is really said is that some BW stay with men where the only reliable thing they have is their need for sex. Many BW will accept that because that is all they can get. But the reality is that we can do better and we should. But, how can you convince BW of that when their mothers and fathers have trained them to have low self worth, to aim low and expect nothing from a man but give all you have for the right to SAY you are with him. It is dysfunctional because we a dysfunctional as a people. Really, who cares what BM do. Who cares! We should only be concerned about our happiness and getting our needs satisfied. If you want commitment, respect, love, reliability and adoration, you can get it from a BM or a WM, or an AM. If you choose to only dat BM then go to a place where there are more men to women and let them compete for you. Don't go to Atlanta where the ratio is 10 to 1 and every man has a harum. Go to Alaska where the ratio of men to women is 7 to 1. Men are desperate for wives and lovers. Even the most untraditionally beautiful woman(obese, very dark skinned, short, corse hair)will attract men who fawn over her and work hard to keep her. It is a shortage of women in Alaska and frankly you can choose from BM,WM,AM,HM and escamos.
Stop letting the few famous Black men, married to non-Black women that the media throws at us everyday obscure the reality that MOST famous Black men are married to Black women!!
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it looks like she's the one whose mentally disturbed if she believes most FAMOUS and RICH black men are married to BLACK women, lol.....nowadays, I dont even bother asking or checking if I see a handsome, well-together black man on tv, because 99.9% of the time, he'll have a NON-black woman as a spouse!!....now I thought this 'problem' was only common in the UK, but by reading some threads/blogs I can now see its the same in the US, Canada ect!! which should make any mentally retarded person draw their own conclusion on how black men view black women and how much VALUE they think we have!!
funny, I was just from reading one of those forbes advertsiements (about world billionaires), and am even ashamed to say that ALL the indian, mexican, arabs had women of their OWN KIND as spouses...now we all know if we had black men in that list who exactly they'd be married to!! :-)
And one thing I've noticed about the very few 'rich' black men that date black women (1/4 black that is :-)...is that, the woman ALWAYS have to have her own money and have something going for herself before they can even consider dating her...but when it comes to NON-black women, we all know they date general reef-rafs like strippers, glamour models etc...and sometimes even go as far as wifeing these women up!!....tiger woods and reggie bush anyone?? :-)
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ok, point taken...
Anon said..."I don't get why they blame BW for their dating out."
People who lack the courage to be their own person and own their choices blame others. It's failing to take responsibilty in yet another form. Lack of maturity, lack of self respect and personal integrity - classic narcissitc )sp)- stuck on stupid behavior. It's all about them and never their fault. Move on no news there.
Lesson learned - never accept responsibility assigned to you by someone else for a situation you did not create and have no obligation to change. May your own choices take responsibility for them and the consequences and demand that others do likewise or remove yourself from them and give it not another thought. If you can't control it - do not worry about it - just do not let it impact you or your life.
V/r
Clarice
Sorry to interject sisters. Got a new domain name..
http://www.phantommaresjumpfences.com
Ok thought I let you all know. :o))
(Back to the regular scheduled discussion)
I suspect at the time she made this remark she was feeling depressed and angry. I really did not believe she meant that statement.....
"Basically, I feel like the BC is akin to the titanic... in other words its sinking fast! and bw better get our behinds in the life boats[....]"
I actually see lots of BW pushing BM onto the lifeboats before taking notice that there's no room left for themselves and their children. Other women actually trying to save themselves and their children will be trampled under the feet of a multitude of BM as they make a mad dash to be first on the boats.
Anonymous said:
Who needs a black man to put us down when we have out own black women who do it just fine. These are the same reasons bm give for no dating black women- skin color, hair length & texture. It just goes to show you that a lot of black women go by the same beauty standard they accuse black men of being brainwashed by.
Show me one sista (especially dark-skinned or medium complexion) that may wear extensions, etc. and look like a WW, can someone enlighten me????
Selena, I am a member of NP and I know exactly the poster you speak of. Babylon and quite a few other women over there are mammy personified. I try not to let that atmosphere get to me too much, but damn are they ignorant as hell over there sometimes.
Some people just really irritate me.
I have a very nice brown tone and I have never worn any silly hair extentions or wig pieces. I prefer my shorter; but, nicely styled hair. I must say I received a few comments on my hair and hair coloring. Also, I have noticed that at least three of my fellow co-workers and 2 students are now wearing their hair minus the extentions. Personally, I do not care for extentions because extentions can damage ones hair. My hair has enough issues with it being relaxed. Ladies enjoy your day. Ann
I really could not care less what WW and BM do. As far as I'm concerned, they can have every black man they want since I don't want 'em. It's a good thing because it just frees up more white men.
Mz Nikki said:
Selena, I am a member of NP and I know exactly the poster you speak of. Babylon and quite a few other women over there are mammy personified. I try not to let that atmosphere get to me too much, but damn are they ignorant as hell over there sometimes.
Exactly. Its this same mentality (which PLENTY will deny exist) that mammies and brothas use to keep bw in line. SMDH
Selena, I am a member of NP and I know exactly the poster you speak of. Babylon and quite a few other women over there are mammy personified. I try not to let that atmosphere get to me too much, but damn are they ignorant as hell over there sometimes.
Some people just really irritate me.
Sad thing is that place used to be so cool.
BW actually got on a girl's case for saying she was jealous of Ethiopians or Somlians (forget which group)for their thick bushy hair and she wished hers could be as thick (the girl wasn't really jealous. More like the I'm so jealous etc. you don't really mean it etc.)Anyways they really got onto this girls case saying that she hated herself had low self esteem. Then a post later one of these idiots make a similar post or has a similar comment.
I love NP, but rarely take any credence of what people say there. I like LongHairCare Forum or Black Hair Media far better. Less drama.
And what Babylon doesn't get is that it's the non-black men who are usually more appreciate of black women with natural hair than black men. Sad, but true.
So true most of the men who accuse women of being self-haters for perming their hair probably don't even date black women the hypocritical pricks!
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